Sad Thoughts

My neighbour just came to the door to ask us to collect his mail for him.
His voice was crackly and he appeared to be close to tears.
Worried that one of his kids had been in accident, it didn't register when he said she had passed.
What?
I heard my husband say how sorry he was.
Come again?
They had been treating her for heartburn.
Yesterday she went to the mall with her daughter and new baby granddaughter.
She was in pain.
He went and picked her up, and the Dr. sent her to Emerg.
She had a heart attack at the hospital and they were unable to start her heart again.
Turns out her heartburn was actually severe angina.
Oh God!
His first wife died of an asthma attack.
Now wife #2 has left him too.
I hugged him, but had no words.
And then I wondered, is there anyone left to hug this man?
That was the saddest thought.
Gardener extraordinaire. My buddy.
The best kind of neighbours you could ever hope to live beside.
I will miss you too.

More Layers

I thought I was past this. I thought I had dealt and moved on, but then all of a sudden, out of nowhere I am blindsighted. I can't concentrate. I don't hear or comprehend what people are saying. It's just me...
and I'm crying and bleeding and I don't know how to stop this.
Will I ever really be ok with it? Can I get past this Lord?
I love my husband. And if Jesus stood before me in the flesh and said I'll give you a baby but you choose between baby and husband, I would not hesitate.
Husband.
But I am SO ANGRY.
I don't regret who I chose, but I know that my past shaped my choices and I know that one person and one incident that happened before I could even fucking speak shaped every choice I made until the day I remembered everything.
Having the knowledge that his daughter will keep her baby away from him, made remembering and re-living and reporting worth every agonizing moment.
But I also believed somewhere within me, that going out and making something of myself - re-claiming my life - would somehow make up for what I lost.
But this is just one more thing that he took from me.
My innocence, my childhood, my being okay...with my femininity, my intelligence, my looks...and now my chance to be a mom.
There are days when I look at kids around me and think, 'no thanks, I'm good'.
But then there are days like today when all of a sudden something inside me is hysterically screaming because once again, I never got the chance.
And I wouldn't think of trading my hubby for that chance. I want it all.
I want my body to be worth something. For all this tedious medical shit to lead up something to meaningful.
I want my husband to look at me with love and awe in his eyes as he feels our baby kick within me and to be there when he/she is delivered. I want to experience being pregnant and being called Mom.
Those may not be good enough reasons. I don't know.
And I know I made my choices.
And there isn't any part of me that would give up my life with my man and his boys.
I just want it all.

What I've Learned

It's been two years. I guess life got away on me. Again. :)
So here goes...

What I've Learned:

God is who He says He is.
He loves me. Not like in a "isn't that nice" kind-of-way, but in a, I call out from the depths and He answers...He parts the grey, sunless sky and reveals some blue, some sun.
I need that blue sky, that sun. Besides the fact that I am 80% convinced that I have Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD), that blue sky, that sun, translates to "I love you. Love God." for me.
I don't understand.
I believe anyway.
I will do what I have to, to never go back.
I only want to walk in His will for my life.
I fail at that frequently.
He loves me anyway.
He still doesn't rely on me. I don't make it or break it.
I don't want to miss the open doors.
I do miss those open doors.
He doesn't give up on me.
He can take it. I've railed, sworn, screamed, thrown tantrums.
He loves me anyway.
I am capable of things I never knew (good and bad).
He never leaves me.
I love Him. Inadequately and very imperfectly. But I really do love Him.
I'm okay. I've survived. Crap will happen. I'll be okay.
I love my husband. Inadequately, far from anything resembling perfection...but growing and gratefully, I really love Him.
People frustrate me; people brimming with gifts and potential who never take the first step.
God loves them. Perfectly.
There is no such things as living without regret. Everyone wishes they had handled something differently. People who say they have no regrets are in denial.
Wallowing wastes time.
I don't want to waste time.
There is a person or an opportunity that God may have arranged which you or I may miss by wallowing.
I don't want to wallow.
I will fail.
I will get back up.
My husband loves me. Imperfectly and often not the way I think he should, but He loves me.
I am blessed.
I will not biologically have my own children.
God has blessed me with more children, (and those children's children), then I could have ever dreamed.
I have gifts.
Life will always include loss and pain.
God never changes.
I have a calling and a purpose.
Life is hard.
Sometimes people suck.
God has blessed me with a family that I would give my life for.
I have some beautiful, wonderful friends.
I want to keep growing and learning.
Life without love, to me means death.
Loving is a risk.
I want to face my fears.
I don't want to play it safe.
Some things feel like they will break me.
Thankfully, I have hope in God.
I am sometimes jealous.
I wouldn't give up what I have for what I don't.