what are the defining moments?

It's been over a year now, that I've been waiting for the light - which is said to be at the end of the tunnel - to appear. I don't know how to describe it but it feels like I've journeyed to the end of the world and back a few times.

Have you ever watched someone die?

I hate hospitals.

My Granny was first to go. I remember my anger toward her for giving up, as she said teary goodbyes when we left her in the hospital. Everyone said God was going to heal her. There were thousands of people praying. She was my rock...a picture of strength. I was devastated.

I became a lifeguard and swimming instructor at the age of 19. I taught CPR and was legally responsible for anyone who could have died in my presence, had I not at least tried to help them.

When I was 20, my dad and I drove 24 hours (straight through) to a hospital in Winnipeg because we'd just been told that my cousin wouldn't last the day. We arrived, and found her still in a coma. My dad was describing the police incident we experienced during the trip up, to his sister - "of course! that would only happen to you, uncle s" - my cousin came out of the coma long enough to laugh at my dad and tell me to paint her room purple - we planned to get an apartment together in just three short months. Half an hour later she was gone and we were inconsolable. My dad had been holding me back as she desperately gasped for air - she was "D.N.R.". I never went back to lifeguarding.

It's just pieces of my life, fragments...that are swirling around in my head for some unknown reason. Pieces...of which, there are thousands, so they should mean less than this. Why have they become such a defining part of who I am?

Someone had insight yesterday - insight that has literally opened the floodgates of repressed thoughts, feelings and memories. My head feels full of fog and spiderwebs and I am, once again, on the outside, looking in...watching the replay.