Friends are strange creatures.
Things get so messy. I'm not used to being the one with the morals.
More often than not, I'm disappointing.
Lately I have different trials.
The three around my age that I naturally connected with - let's just say
I felt below average.
#1) Christian, married, 1 daughter, works full time, cooks, cleans, shops, entertains, part of a small group.
#2) Christian, married, works full time, finishing Bachelor of Social Work, cooks, cleans, shops, entertains, active in the church, part of a small group.
#3) Christian, married, 4 kids under 12, works full time, going to University, cooks, cleans, shops, entertains.
#1 no longer attends church or small group, is separated after having an affair with a man from work while her husband was driving truck...moved 150 kms away with her daughter, keeps no contact with old friends, lied to me and then avoided me until she moved away.
#2 so far so good - hang in there girl!! Finished full-time job, completing her placement as required for her BA, active in the church and small group and missions committee, cooks, cleans, shops, and entertains.
#3 no place of residence, husband discovered her affair and asked her to leave, 4 children living with husband, quit full-time job, working 12 hrs/week and going to 2 classes at University, thinks Church is an obligation, not a desire, mentally and emotionally rejecting 32 years of life, lied to me and is avoiding me.
I don't understand how so many people that I have come to know throughout my life, seem to all be going off the deepend currently, or how people can just wake up one day and live a life they have never considered before, or why I feel like I am some kind of moral compass all of a sudden or how things that you share the same morals and beliefs about can be the issue that separates you from eachother.
I am tired of having to fight so hard for every bloody relationship in my life and hurting for a hundred different people at once and knowing I have nothing to offer, nothing that will make it go away or fix it. I'm tired of watching them slip away.
I am lost and alone and I am in the center of a large circle of lost, hurting people who I care about and can do nothing for. It's like the blind leading the blind.
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1 comments:
Hanni, this may freak you out a bit, but when I read your post, I really see Jesus in you. Jesus was very familiar with sorrows and grief. Sometimes I think something is wrong with me because I look at others and they are all so happy. There is much in my life that I am happy about, but many things around me make me sad. I too have friends who have slipped off the deep end and made stupid choices. The bottom line I see in what you described is that YOU CARE. It seems the majority of people care only for the part of the world that revolves around them. I just want to let you know that your heart shines through in what your write, and it mirrors the loving, compassionate heart of God.
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