Wow! Sometime in the last 3 or 4 years I grew up. Holy cow. What a weird thing to suddenly realize. This Eureka moment was caused by further consideration of class yesterday where the discussion was around an article entitled: If We Are So Rich, Why Aren't We Happy?
How many sarcastic responses can you come up with?
So as you can imagine, the whole 'money can't buy you happiness' was brought out first which initiated the 'what is happiness?' conversation.
You really get stuck in your head when you're in University; I gave a solid spiritual-philosophical answer, rather intelligent and enlightened sounding, if I may say so. ;)
But what I should have said is "Dude, I'm happy!"
Not in like a perky, bubbly, I don't deal with pain, overly cheerful about everything kind of a way (I don't do perky)...but in a "I'm good" kind of way. And this is huge for me. It hasn't been weeks or a few months, it's been a few years now (and I was afraid to talk about it for fear it would go away) LOL.
How do I know I'm happy?
Because I've been unhappy, like severely unhappy...for most of my life. And it's not denial. My life still happened. But if it hadn't, would I have what I have now?
Short of knowing at least the last decade of details about my life, you're just going to have to trust me. The answer is no. I wouldn't have what I have now without my life happening. And I love my life. Love it. Suck-ass stuff happens. It has, especially in the last few years...and will. But when shit happens, I have my people. And peace. A peace that God sees it all and He will get us through. And when I lose my place, then I have my people to give me a swift kick and love me through it. My people rock. I am so blessed.
And so the realization comes when I read over what my real answer is and I realize that I am proclaiming that people love me, that I'm happy and at peace, and that I trust God will get us through. I'm not running off across the country to rescue anyone, or falling apart when someone is angry with me. I'm not trying to fix everything and take care of everyone. I'm not enabling or behaving recklessly, impulsively, or purposely stupid and bizarre. The dark, depressed, weak, victim girl is long gone and I LIKE myself. Woooooooooooooohooooooooooooooooooooo!!! Holy Shit, I feel like I should mail this out for the Christmas newsletter or something. LOL
Thank you Lord!!
- **hanni**
- I have been here for months, with just a few kind and patient, God-sent 'nurses' who have been preparing me for this day. The Doctor arrives and announces that He is ready to begin...no more wasting time. First, He explains, He will make a cut from just below my shoulder, straight down, about 4 inches in length. He will then, using a scope (a very tiny camera that takes detailed pictures) assess how much can be saved and refined, and how much will need to be replaced. This is open heart surgery and you've arrived just in time for the messy part. This is my process as I struggle to become the woman God created, and calls me to be.
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