Glory Clouds and Confusion

Happiness Is...

2010-06-03T14:17:00.008-02:30

Wow! Sometime in the last 3 or 4 years I grew up. Holy cow. What a weird thing to suddenly realize. This Eureka moment was caused by further consideration of class yesterday where the discussion was around an article entitled: If We Are So Rich, Why Aren't We Happy?
How many sarcastic responses can you come up with?
So as you can imagine, the whole 'money can't buy you happiness' was brought out first which initiated the 'what is happiness?' conversation.
You really get stuck in your head when you're in University; I gave a solid spiritual-philosophical answer, rather intelligent and enlightened sounding, if I may say so. ;)
But what I should have said is "Dude, I'm happy!"
Not in like a perky, bubbly, I don't deal with pain, overly cheerful about everything kind of a way (I don't do perky)...but in a "I'm good" kind of way. And this is huge for me. It hasn't been weeks or a few months, it's been a few years now (and I was afraid to talk about it for fear it would go away) LOL.
How do I know I'm happy?
Because I've been unhappy, like severely unhappy...for most of my life. And it's not denial. My life still happened. But if it hadn't, would I have what I have now?
Short of knowing at least the last decade of details about my life, you're just going to have to trust me. The answer is no. I wouldn't have what I have now without my life happening. And I love my life. Love it. Suck-ass stuff happens. It has, especially in the last few years...and will. But when shit happens, I have my people. And peace. A peace that God sees it all and He will get us through. And when I lose my place, then I have my people to give me a swift kick and love me through it. My people rock. I am so blessed.
And so the realization comes when I read over what my real answer is and I realize that I am proclaiming that people love me, that I'm happy and at peace, and that I trust God will get us through. I'm not running off across the country to rescue anyone, or falling apart when someone is angry with me. I'm not trying to fix everything and take care of everyone. I'm not enabling or behaving recklessly, impulsively, or purposely stupid and bizarre. The dark, depressed, weak, victim girl is long gone and I LIKE myself. Woooooooooooooohooooooooooooooooooooo!!! Holy Shit, I feel like I should mail this out for the Christmas newsletter or something. LOL
Thank you Lord!!

'Tolerance'

2010-03-15T17:24:00.002-02:30

What a flipping joke!
The new 'enlightened' definition of tolerance, as taught in a post-secondary education setting apparently means "we tolerate whatever; whatever makes you feel good, whatever arouses you or feeds into your self-centered ideology" and subtly implied is that we will blatantly bash Christianity EVERY chance we get.
Talk about gender equality = bash Christianity
Talk about social status = bash Christianity
Talk about higher learning = bash Christianity
The premise is that Christians are close-minded, homosexual-hating, subservient and quietly-dumb women loving, anti self-sufficient individuals, poverty-desiring, go to church and hide your hypocrite status, ignorant, keep your head stuck in the sand, imbeciles.

Sad Thoughts

2009-10-31T15:38:00.002-02:30

My neighbour just came to the door to ask us to collect his mail for him.
His voice was crackly and he appeared to be close to tears.
Worried that one of his kids had been in accident, it didn't register when he said she had passed.
What?
I heard my husband say how sorry he was.
Come again?
They had been treating her for heartburn.
Yesterday she went to the mall with her daughter and new baby granddaughter.
She was in pain.
He went and picked her up, and the Dr. sent her to Emerg.
She had a heart attack at the hospital and they were unable to start her heart again.
Turns out her heartburn was actually severe angina.
Oh God!
His first wife died of an asthma attack.
Now wife #2 has left him too.
I hugged him, but had no words.
And then I wondered, is there anyone left to hug this man?
That was the saddest thought.
Gardener extraordinaire. My buddy.
The best kind of neighbours you could ever hope to live beside.
I will miss you too.

More Layers

2009-10-30T01:20:00.004-02:30

I thought I was past this. I thought I had dealt and moved on, but then all of a sudden, out of nowhere I am blindsighted. I can't concentrate. I don't hear or comprehend what people are saying. It's just me...
and I'm crying and bleeding and I don't know how to stop this.
Will I ever really be ok with it? Can I get past this Lord?
I love my husband. And if Jesus stood before me in the flesh and said I'll give you a baby but you choose between baby and husband, I would not hesitate.
Husband.
But I am SO ANGRY.
I don't regret who I chose, but I know that my past shaped my choices and I know that one person and one incident that happened before I could even fucking speak shaped every choice I made until the day I remembered everything.
Having the knowledge that his daughter will keep her baby away from him, made remembering and re-living and reporting worth every agonizing moment.
But I also believed somewhere within me, that going out and making something of myself - re-claiming my life - would somehow make up for what I lost.
But this is just one more thing that he took from me.
My innocence, my childhood, my being okay...with my femininity, my intelligence, my looks...and now my chance to be a mom.
There are days when I look at kids around me and think, 'no thanks, I'm good'.
But then there are days like today when all of a sudden something inside me is hysterically screaming because once again, I never got the chance.
And I wouldn't think of trading my hubby for that chance. I want it all.
I want my body to be worth something. For all this tedious medical shit to lead up to something meaningful.
I want my husband to look at me with love and awe in his eyes as he feels our baby kick within me and to be there when he/she is delivered. I want to experience being pregnant and being called Mom.
Those may not be good enough reasons. I don't know.
And I know I made my choices.
And there isn't any part of me that would give up my life with my man and his boys.
I just want it all.

What I've Learned

2009-10-04T19:47:00.004-02:30

It's been two years. I guess life got away on me. Again. :)
So here goes...

What I've Learned:

God is who He says He is.
He loves me. Not like in a "isn't that nice" kind-of-way, but in a, I call out from the depths and He answers...He parts the grey, sunless sky and reveals some blue, some sun.
I need that blue sky, that sun. Besides the fact that I am 80% convinced that I have Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD), that blue sky, that sun, translates to "I love you. Love God." for me.
I don't understand.
I believe anyway.
I will do what I have to, to never go back.
I only want to walk in His will for my life.
I fail at that frequently.
He loves me anyway.
He still doesn't rely on me. I don't make it or break it.
I don't want to miss the open doors.
I do miss those open doors.
He doesn't give up on me.
He can take it. I've railed, sworn, screamed, thrown tantrums.
He loves me anyway.
I am capable of things I never knew (good and bad).
He never leaves me.
I love Him. Inadequately and very imperfectly. But I really do love Him.
I'm okay. I've survived. Crap will happen. I'll be okay.
I love my husband. Inadequately, far from anything resembling perfection...but growing and gratefully, I really love Him.
People frustrate me; people brimming with gifts and potential who never take the first step.
God loves them. Perfectly.
There is no such things as living without regret. Everyone wishes they had handled something differently. People who say they have no regrets are in denial.
Wallowing wastes time.
I don't want to waste time.
There is a person or an opportunity that God may have arranged which you or I may miss by wallowing.
I don't want to wallow.
I will fail.
I will get back up.
My husband loves me. Imperfectly and often not the way I think he should, but He loves me.
I am blessed.
I will not biologically have my own children.
God has blessed me with more children, (and those children's children), then I could have ever dreamed.
I have gifts.
Life will always include loss and pain.
God never changes.
I have a calling and a purpose.
Life is hard.
Sometimes people suck.
God has blessed me with a family that I would give my life for.
I have some beautiful, wonderful friends.
I want to keep growing and learning.
Life without love, to me means death.
Loving is a risk.
I want to face my fears.
I don't want to play it safe.
Some things feel like they will break me.
Thankfully, I have hope in God.
I am sometimes jealous.
I wouldn't give up what I have for what I don't.

Praise Him, He Doesn't Depend On Me

2007-05-24T11:10:00.000-02:30

I've been on the painful side of things for so long that I find it difficult to come up with the right words to express my recent experience.
Praise God, He does what He does despite me.
I've been impatient and exhausted.
I've doubted and questioned, everything.
And He blessed me anyway.

I have said from the get-go, that my reason for coming forward with the past was my concern about the man's future grandchildren. I went and spoke with his wife and daughter, who were a surrogate family for me, trusting that somehow God would work it out.
Praises unnumbered! So often people never get to see results. So often people get it all thrown back in their face. So often things like this rip apart friendships and families.

So imagine my surprise when his daughter invited me to her baby shower.
And imagine the fear that rose inside and choked me as I held this precious girl for the first time. Oh how I prayed...armies of angels protecting her, surrounding her, armed and ready to chop off the hands of those who intended her harm. :)
Her name is Heaven spelt backwards, and as I stared into her eyes, I could see everything she stood to lose. Sobs welled up and stuck in my throat and I cannot for the life of me tell you one thing about gifts that were given, as all my attention was on this little gift from God and as I sat, I prayed. Now I will admit that after I arrived not many others got to hold that baby. Luckily I was quite late and they had already had a turn.
I could not for the life of me, put that baby down and I wondered to myself how I was ever going to leave that day. Well eventually it was time to feed her and since I could not physically help with that, I handed her back to her mom. I spent 5 hours that day with the man's wife, 2 sons, his daughter and granddaughter and they were loving and friendly, like the family I had remembered. As it came time to leave, I began to panic.
His daughter came over and put her arms around me and thanked me for coming and told me that she loved me and then whispered in my ear:

"Just so you know, we listened. And we're taking your advice. She will never be in my father's house alone."

Blinding light from the end of the tunnel. Instant weight loss of 100 pounds.

How many people get to look back at such a tumultuous time of nightmares and loss and say "Thank you God for bringing me through it Your way, it was worth it."?

Praise God. It was worth it.

A Work In Progress

2007-03-02T16:16:00.000-03:30

Lord there is hardness in my heart
A weight that pins me
To my chair
When I try to stand to worship You

I know I need to trust You
But I just cannot let go
After all, where were You
With all I went through

My head and half my heart believe
Your word is truth
But there is that other part
That cried and screamed in pain
As You looked on

I didn't need Your tears
We've all got enough
I needed Your protection,
intervention
I cried to You to rescue me

And then I struggled on my own
Scared, little girl wandering alone
My fear of being hurt and my
obsession with being loved
Tearing me in half

Then the years of destruction
And I just couldn't keep going
I begged You to let me die
Neither then did You arrive

It became a game, to ask for
what I did not want
In hopes of fooling God
It always seems
No matter what
I just can not get through

Lord I know You understand
That I can't keep walking blind
No directions or
A guiding hand

So I ask You now
To be present here
To forgive my wayward heart
Show me how to trust
That You'll keep me safe
I long to know the way
You will use all things
According to Your will
Bringing glory to Your name

2007-02-05T16:56:00.000-03:30

Father, do You see this?
The tiny, shattered pieces
You knew before time
The damage would be done
The question then is why
You could've skipped me
Moved on to #359840123 instead -

I realize this is not paradise
Don't fucking talk to me about "Disney"
I'm not looking for perfection
I'm just praying for a lull -

A few months, a couple weeks
Some time to breathe
A chance to laugh without the guilt
To smile without the shame
To sleep without the tears
To talk without the crap
To drink without the need
To affectionately hug instead of cling
To think without the voices
To remember without the heart-breaking,
gut wrenching, mind-numbing grief -

Father, You see me
I know that
You love me
It's what keeps me alive
But it's too much, I'm ready to give up
I am so frigin tired Lord
I just want to sleep
Dreamless -
no screaming or sobbing
Just rest, deeply, in You
I can't walk - I can't even crawl
Just a nap, Father
That's all I ask
A chance to rest in Your peace
In Your arms

2007-01-22T17:09:00.000-03:30

There are days when I wish I could disappear.

Then there are days, like today, when there is no denying the pain in the people around me or the grief that's inside me, and everything wells up, so there's no room left to breathe, and all the things I try to hide, begin to spill over, and I beg God...plead with Him. And I don't know what else to do. And the weight of the pain - it is crushing, and I'm afraid that I will break. And I'm terrified that no one will notice. I'm terrified that I'll become 'Invisible Girl' again and that no one loves me enough...that I'll be alone and without any means of self-defence and no one to step in...to stop it...to save me...to take care of me...

It's when death is more appealing than life. Because the pain is indescribable. There is no way to make you understand...crying, screaming...does nothing...it's like telling someone that you appreciate their gift...when they've just given you a kidney...

I just thought this was behind me. I felt like I had moved forward.

And now...

I don't think I can go through this again. I don't want to survive one.more.thing. I don't want to be any stronger!

Do you hear me Lord?!? I don't-want-to do this ...I CAN'T!

2007-01-22T17:03:00.000-03:30

I miss my family.
Alot.
I feel small.
And scared.
Vulnerable.
I wish there was a happy time in my life, where I felt safe,
- so I could at least escape in my mind.
But instead, I'm stuck with the block in my throat.
And the weight on my head.
And the pain in my chest.
There is no escape.
No vacation.
Only tears that need to fall.
Hidden beneath my hair -
eyes full and stinging -
I survive.

2007-01-18T10:57:00.000-03:30

When everything inside me
Looks like everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take ~ Switchfoot

In You, O Lord, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
deliver me in Your righteousness.
Turn You ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.
Since You are my rock and my fortress,
for the sake of Your name lead and guide me.
Free me from the trap that is set for me,
for You are my refuge.
Into Your hands I commit my spirit;
redeem me, O Lord, the God of truth. ~ Psalm 31:1-5

Hear my voice when I call, O Lord;
be merciful to me and answer me.
My heart says of You, "Seek His face!"
Your face, Lord, I will seek.
Do not hide Your face from me,
do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Saviour.
I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord. ~ Psalm 27:7-9, 13-14

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit. ~ Psalm 34:18

O Lord, do not rebuke me in Your anger
or discipline me in Your wrath.
Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint;
O Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in anguish.
How long, O Lord, how long?
Turn, O Lord, and deliver me;
save me because of Your unfailing love.
No one remembers You when he is dead.
Who praises You from the grave?
I am worn out from groaning;
all night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.
My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
they fail because of all my foes.
Away from me, all you who do evil,
for the Lord has heard my weeping.
The Lord has heard my cry for mercy;
the Lord accepts my prayer. ~ Psalm 6:1-9

Stop telling me "Jesus Loves Me"

2007-01-16T12:56:00.000-03:30

Here's my problem with the 'pat' answer..."Jesus loves you".
It doesn't fix everything. Perhaps it should...perhaps it's a symptom of a larger issue - but for today's purposes...it's not good enough.
There are times when thinking about Jesus dying on the cross for me, just does not comfort me.
When my heart is crying, I need people...certain close, cherished people...to put their arms around me and hold me, or to sit with me while we distract by watching a stupid movie. There are times when being silent isn't an option and talking without interaction isn't a possibility. There are times when the world just feels too frigid and full of contempt, and I need to be in the company of one who emulates compassion, sensitivity and understanding.
There are times when no human will do, no human would understand and no other relationship is strong enough...and I go straight to my Heavenly Father, where I always find strength to keep me going.
So STOP. I'm tired of getting those judgemental looks when my face, much like what I'm facing, isn't instantly transformed into radiant joy when you remind me that Jesus loves me. I KNOW Jesus loves me! It doesn't make the loss of human love or relationship, all better. Find another way to support me, or if you don't really care then don't really talk. Saying nothing is better than giving pat answers...because you and I both know....it doesn't make everything all skittles and rainbows.

2007-01-12T15:23:00.000-03:30

Lord, You tell us that You never leave us. You tell us You'll never forsake us, that You're the same yesterday, today and forever, that we are Your children whom You love so much You gave up Your son. Your Word tells us that we, Your children are under Your hedge of protection and that You will battle for us. We're told to trust You...to come to You and surrender it all...that You care for us more than we could ever imagine. That You command Your angels concerning us. So, what the hell??? I don't know what to do anymore. I'm completely drained of all resources. I don't have the energy to pick myself up, let alone have anything left to give anyone else. These people that I bring before you every day, I love them...and they are in agony. Lord, please give them hope, please surround them with Your arms...please, let them know You are there. Come through for us Lord. Families are falling apart, and I know that Your desire is for their healing and wholeness, so I ask You to intervene. Lift off some of the burden, take away some of the pressure that is causing us all to collapse. I know You can do this, and I know this is not what You want for us, so please step in. Do whatever it takes to put us back together Lord. We want to be ready and willing vessels for You, but You have to cautorize the wounds. Where there is physical suffering and illness, Lord, speak Your healing there. Where there is emotional turmoil and anguish, Lord, speak Your healing there. Where there is no hope, only darkness and desperation, speak Your healing there. Wherever there is hurt, pain, weakness, despair, God, speak Your healing there. Wash over us with Your light and Your life. Break any hold the enemy may have gained in our lives. Break any agreements we have made with him about the state we're in. Flush out anything that is not of You Lord. Cleanse us. Redeem us. Heal us. Save us. Protect us. Help us.

How do I?

2007-01-03T14:24:00.000-03:30

I feel connected to no one and nothing. There is too much within me that can not find rest. There is too much among you that cannot find hope.

How do I say that my heart breaks for you without letting the frequent usage of brokenness subtract from the weight of those words?
How do I communicate the love I have for you without the world’s advertising frenzy of red hearts and roses, distort the message?
How do I pray fervently for the people and situations that I have been lifting up for months…years even, without doubt entering my tone?
How do I trust you God, to come through when You haven’t or to protect me when You didn’t?
How do I keep my jaded and cynical beliefs and thoughts from over-shadowing the hope I’m striving to evoke?
Or keep the hurt and disappointment from destroying the sincerity I feel?
How do I speak the truth without losing my friend?
How do I help someone who has no hope?
How do I love someone when I so desperately want love?
How do I show someone the path that I am unable to find for myself?
How do I let go when all the people I care most about are struggling with this pain?

Picture a group of people…about a dozen or so…who have fallen through the ice into the dark depths of the water…all have varying levels of swimming abilities, but because they’re all in it and all freezing and scared they’re blindly grasping for something to hold onto and are unintentionally driving various others under the water in order to stay afloat and then those people surface and grab onto whomever is closest. That is a portrait of myself, my immediate family and closest friends. And for some odd and unexplainable reason, I seem to be coping the best although my outside does not mirror my inside.

Another One Bites The Dust

2007-01-03T13:11:00.000-03:30

Friends are strange creatures.
Things get so messy. I'm not used to being the one with the morals.
More often than not, I'm disappointing.

Lately I have different trials.
The three around my age that I naturally connected with - let's just say
I felt below average.
#1) Christian, married, 1 daughter, works full time, cooks, cleans, shops, entertains, part of a small group.
#2) Christian, married, works full time, finishing Bachelor of Social Work, cooks, cleans, shops, entertains, active in the church, part of a small group.
#3) Christian, married, 4 kids under 12, works full time, going to University, cooks, cleans, shops, entertains.

#1 no longer attends church or small group, is separated after having an affair with a man from work while her husband was driving truck...moved 150 kms away with her daughter, keeps no contact with old friends, lied to me and then avoided me until she moved away.

#2 so far so good - hang in there girl!! Finished full-time job, completing her placement as required for her BA, active in the church and small group and missions committee, cooks, cleans, shops, and entertains.

#3 no place of residence, husband discovered her affair and asked her to leave, 4 children living with husband, quit full-time job, working 12 hrs/week and going to 2 classes at University, thinks Church is an obligation, not a desire, mentally and emotionally rejecting 32 years of life, lied to me and is avoiding me.

I don't understand how so many people that I have come to know throughout my life, seem to all be going off the deepend currently, or how people can just wake up one day and live a life they have never considered before, or why I feel like I am some kind of moral compass all of a sudden or how things that you share the same morals and beliefs about can be the issue that separates you from eachother.

I am tired of having to fight so hard for every bloody relationship in my life and hurting for a hundred different people at once and knowing I have nothing to offer, nothing that will make it go away or fix it. I'm tired of watching them slip away.

I am lost and alone and I am in the center of a large circle of lost, hurting people who I care about and can do nothing for. It's like the blind leading the blind.

what are the defining moments?

2006-10-31T18:11:00.000-03:30

It's been over a year now, that I've been waiting for the light - which is said to be at the end of the tunnel - to appear. I don't know how to describe it but it feels like I've journeyed to the end of the world and back a few times.

Have you ever watched someone die?

I hate hospitals.

My Granny was first to go. I remember my anger toward her for giving up, as she said teary goodbyes when we left her in the hospital. Everyone said God was going to heal her. There were thousands of people praying. She was my rock...a picture of strength. I was devastated.

I became a lifeguard and swimming instructor at the age of 19. I taught CPR and was legally responsible for anyone who could have died in my presence, had I not at least tried to help them.

When I was 20, my dad and I drove 24 hours (straight through) to a hospital in Winnipeg because we'd just been told that my cousin wouldn't last the day. We arrived, and found her still in a coma. My dad was describing the police incident we experienced during the trip up, to his sister - "of course! that would only happen to you, uncle s" - my cousin came out of the coma long enough to laugh at my dad and tell me to paint her room purple - we planned to get an apartment together in just three short months. Half an hour later she was gone and we were inconsolable. My dad had been holding me back as she desperately gasped for air - she was "D.N.R.". I never went back to lifeguarding.

It's just pieces of my life, fragments...that are swirling around in my head for some unknown reason. Pieces...of which, there are thousands, so they should mean less than this. Why have they become such a defining part of who I am?

Someone had insight yesterday - insight that has literally opened the floodgates of repressed thoughts, feelings and memories. My head feels full of fog and spiderwebs and I am, once again, on the outside, looking in...watching the replay.

Conversations With My 13 Year Old Self

2006-08-31T12:18:00.000-02:30

Found this on Bobbie's site, who found it on Darren's.
What would you tell yourself if you bumped into the 13 year old you?

Conversations With My 13 Year Old Self
by: Pink album: I’m Not Dead

Conversations with my thirteen year old self
Conversations with my thirteen year old self

You’re angry
I know this
The world couldn’t care less
You’re lonely
I feel this
And you wish you were the best
No teachers
Or guidance
And you always walk alone
You’re crying
At night when
Nobody else is home

Come over here and let me hold your hand and hug you darling
I promise you that it won’t always feel this bad
There are so many things I want to say to you
You’re the girl I used to be
You little heartbroken thirteen year old me

You’re laughing
But you’re hiding
God I know that trick too well
You forget
That I’ve been you
And now I’m just the shell
I promise
I love you and
Everything will work out fine
Don’t try to
Grow up yet
Oh just give it some time

The pain you feel is real you’re not asleep but it’s a nightmare
But you can wake up anytime
Oh don’t lose your passion or the fighter that’s inside of you
You’re the girl I used to be
The pissed off complicated thirteen year old me

Conversations with my thirteen year old self
Conversations with my thirteen year old self

Until we meet again
Oh I wish you well oh
I wish you well
Little girl
Until we meet again
Oh I wish you well
Little girl
I wish you well
Until we meet again
My little thirteen year old me

Fake It 'Till You Make It

2006-08-28T15:06:00.000-02:30

I have this 'thing' I've realized...that I don't know what to think, or talk about when the world doesn't feel like it's ending. I can't even identify what I'm feeling - "I'm o.k." - whatever that means... "Fine" always works, (but is often inappropriate).

I think that I've been in crisis mode for so long now, that I'm lost when the storm clears. It's like I know I should force a smile because I'm not morose at the moment, but I am really sad, hurting...grieving I guess, so I'm not sure whether to smile or look somewhat troubled - which results in a sort of crooked grimace...

I hate fake.
I don't do fake.
I can't stand fake.

But I'm beginning to understand that being fake is what people confuse with growing up. Adults get dressed for work and immediately assume the professional - "my life is this sale...right here, right now, just you and me...there is nothing else going on and noone else but you" - kind of plastered, painful smile. And they spend 8 hours trying to maintain that same character...and then they go home and role play someone else. The world is your stage and all the people...merely players in your play. What a crock of shit.

The more I study my surroundings and the people in it, the more I am convinced that the majority of us are walking around wounded and broken and bleeding. Watch people - I mean really watch people - when they don't know they're being watched. It won't take too long before you begin to notice the quiet sighs, or the saddness in their eyes, or the subtle slumping of their shoulders. What if instead of flippantly yelling "Hey! How are ya?" at someone while trotting across a busy street or talking on your cell phone, you stopped...looked at them...and asked how the new job was going...or how they were feeling since that last round of chemo...or if they'd like to grab a cup of coffee with you, so you can find out how they've been doing since the divorce.

Why is life like this? I think about my day and the things that prevent me from stopping to talk and really connect and it's ridiculous! What has happened to us that we can let the mundane responsibilities and the general busyness of life take over? How warped is our society that we can cross the street in order to avoid the girl who's crying, instead of just taking a seat next to her. Are people embarrassed by it? Are we afraid of her?

I don't understand. And I don't get why I care what people think of me, but I do. And I hate that too. So I'm stuck...somewhere between just wanting to stuff it all and fake happy, until I begin to believe that I am and my desire to always be real and true and face things instead of hiding.

Cry Of MY Heart

2006-07-18T17:56:00.000-02:30

Lord, You say in Your word, that You hear the cries of our hearts, that You are with those who are brokenhearted and crushed in Spirit.
Well here I am.
I don't know if there are any words, that could better describe the place that I find myself.
I don't know what to do, or if I should do anything.
I don't know if I should wait, or for how long.
I don't know who to talk to or where to go.
I don't want to do anything OR nothing.
I need direction. I need an answer.
I NEED A REST!
I need to matter.
I am so tired...so fucking tired!
I don't want to hurt like this anymore.
Please God. Do something.

~ MY STORY ~

2006-06-09T12:11:00.003-02:30

Days, weeks, months...it all runs together now; a storm that doesn't break, a fire that's unceasing.

You really have no concept of how much blood you have in your
body - until you've suffered a nasty cut and can't stop the bleeding,
or the capacity you have for crying - until you've sobbed for days
and weeks on end.

My life has never been what it should be. For 24 years, I fought relentlessly against a beast of unknown origin. It was a feeling that I couldn't kill, escape or run away from. It blocked out the first 12 years
of my life and now appears to be wreaking havoc on the few, remaining memories I have clung to.
That beast - it caused intensity to burn like nothing else. I felt every emotion as if looking at an ant under a magnifying glass.
I lived with the knowledge that I was created for so much more, and that also, for me, "more" was unattainable. I now realize that I have always believed I was partly to blame for this...that my participation in something, at some time, was the reason I always came up short.

I have lived in fear my whole life.
Fear of who I am and who I'll become.
Fear of what happened and what will happen.
Fear that I'll become all that I don't want to be.
Fear that I've been a disappointment, am one now and always will be.
Fear that people will actually be relieved when I die.

Looking through old family photo albums, it is impossible to miss the lack of life in my expressions. My mum realized that it was around my first birthday, when I stopped smiling. Most of the memories I've been able to retain are negative, and because of all that is lacking, even the negative ones have somehow become precious.
With the exception of things like the sound of my little sister's belly laugh and watching my parents struggle to maintain a straight face when they had to scold her...my childhood is marked by temper tantrums, sadness, rejection, shame, embarrassment, fear, loneliness and a consistent feeling of not having a place in my own world. I felt unseen and unheard.
The harder I tried to be the good, sunday school girl, the more I sang in the choir, volunteered for the nursery and agreed to read the scripture readings in church, the more obvious it became that I didn't fit and the bigger the knot in my stomach grew.

I remember well the smell and textures of my grandparents' front hall closet, my appreciation for my grandmother's obvious organizational skills in her walk-in pantry, and the view from beneath the desk in the corner of Granny's kitchen. These were my hiding places, especially the desk in the kitchen as I could safely fit myself, my bear 'Scotty' and my blue blanket, watch my Granny prepare her extravagant feasts and not be bothered. Sometimes I'd discover a sketch book and pencil had been left for me and on occasion, I remember Granny coaxing me out to "help" her in the kitchen, or she'd pull out her art supplies and draw and paint with me. If anyone else knew I was there, I don't remember them ever bothering with me.

My cousins were always with us during those formative years. Because I loved my family dearly, I always concluded that my sisters pairing off with my cousins and leaving me alone, was just another sign of all that was lacking in me.

No one had any idea that there was actually a reason I was troubled and so I was told to cheer up a lot, don't worry be happy. I'd get in trouble for not smiling at people, being rude and ruining every picture that was taken with me included. I remember being told that I could just get right out of the picture if that's how I was going to act. I was moody and sullen. As I grew up, that became sarcastic and cynical. The "black sheep". A rebellious and angry teenager. A phrase used to describe me for years, was my "Black Cloud Period". I always figured that I just didn't have 'it'. That there was something inherently and fundamentally wrong with me, something I could never change.
Never knowing what the cause was, I looked for one and it changed a lot over the years: I was too fat, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not athletic enough, not good enough and my personal favourite: unlovable. Eventually it became a compilation of all of the above.

This is the part of the story...or life, where I get physically sick. The point at which I not only experience emotional anxiety, but my body begins to physically manifest the 'stress signs'. For those of you who know me well enough to have witnessed this, sorry. This happens any numbers of ways and for any number of reasons. Usually, I begin blushing...cheeks and ears, and almost simultaneously break out with red blotches...hives on my chest and neck. This is the instant reaction to being hurt, angry, nervous and embarrassed. Things that are downright scary make my entire body hurt from tension...usually visible by the clenched teeth, exema on my arms and hands, and my stomach is almost always nautious.
Long term stress can, (and in my case, I'm sure it has), wreak havoc on a body. For all those times when the doctors/nurses have said "you're too young for this" and "I don't know what's causing it"...starting as early as I can remember, I have been plagued with: the flu, ear infections, migraine headaches, strep throat, laringitis, mononucleosis, anemia, asthma, bleeding ulcers, ovarion cysts, endometriosis, dysmennorhia, bladder infections and fibromaylagia.
I've had 2 laporoscopy's, a DNC, and a tumor removed.
My body started screaming long before I did.

As I hit puberty, I seemed to lose control completely. I was a floater in high school - I did just enough to get by, took all the 'bird' courses, bargained for my grades, came to school already tanked and left quite the same way. I was flippant to teachers I didn't respect. I was never without a boyfriend. I went to all the parties and still showed up at youth group and church, but by then I had successfully created 2 separate worlds for myself.

I used to always pray that God would let someone kill me, to put me out of my misery and spare those that I loved from any more misery. The part in the movie 'Patch Adams', where Corrine tells Patch about being a little girl and wanting so badly to be a caterpillar, so she could hide away and be transformed into this beautiful creature and fly away completely unscathed, resonates deep in my spirit. It's the same gut-wrenching desire I feel watching 'Forest Gump', when Jenny is praying "God make me a bird, so I can fly far, far away from here".

I remember being around the age of 14, standing in the kitchen, and screaming at my mother: "There is something wrong with my fucking head! I need help." Things that had once seemed so important held little value for me now. I began skipping school, started smoking pot. Some days I'd get drunk on the school bus, and then spend the day just maintaining that buzz.
When I was around 14 or 15, I took my first anti-depressant - 10 years later, I'm still taking them. Around the age of 16 I became anorexic, then bulemic. I hated myself so much that I broke or removed the mirrors from my bedroom and bathroom. By the time I was 17, my life was scheduled around my 'buzz' breaks. I was so much more sane on something, than I was off, that people never suspected a thing. I existed for years like this. I was drunk or stoned every day. I hid alcohol everywhere and felt no guilt. I couldn't handle life straight. In my mind, my being drunk or high was actually providing a service to those I loved. They didn't have to deal with my extreme emotions or reactions and neither did I. When those things weren't enough anymore, I added sedatives and painkillers. When none of that was numbing enough, I'd use exacto blades to slice up my arms.

I needed an out. I needed someone to see me and fight for me. But no one did. I had stopped caring if I lived or died, or if anyone saw me in this condition and started doing REALLY idiotic things. I drank to the point of severe alcohol poisoning several times and was escorted home. I drove like a maniac, at speeds exceeding 170km/hr. I got drugs from people I didn't know, which had apparently been laced with other things. I hung out with other people who were equally thrilled to live life all hopped up. We were going nowhere and none of us seemed to care.

But things were steadily unraveling.

I'd get in huge fights with my parents, who didn't seem to accept, that I really didn't care. I'd leave in the middle of the night through my bedroom window, because I so badly did not know how to deal with anything anymore. The slightest upset and I went through the roof. I was angry at everyone for everything. I remember being so desperate to escape after one argument, that I syphoned gas out of my dad's truck and the lawnmower, so I was sure to get far enough away.

Somehow through all of that, I managed to graduate from highschool. By the age of 19, I was taking anti-anxieties, tranquilizers, anti-depressants and sleeping pills, all the while maintaining all my former coping methods.
The turning point for me was after a handful of deaths: all in a row - and almost including mine. My friend changed my life the night he and I sat staring at his father's coffin; "You do not want your family or your friends sitting here like me. If my dad had known the kind of pain he was going to cause, he would never have done this". That man's funeral was my eye opener. I kept thinking about my family having to stare at that casket and promised myself that day, that suicide would never again be an option.

But things began to really weigh on me now that I didn't have that same 'out' option and I decided I would do whatever I had to, in order to heal. I went through my own share of doctors, psychiatrists, therapists, psychologists and counselors. I've probably tried half the "anti" drugs out there and eventually admitted myself into a cognitive therapy program at a mental hospital. There was something to be learned from each of these things and people, but until last year, the root of my problems was yet to be revealed. People thought I was just a drama queen driving myself crazy, especially when they met my loving family. I remember being asked frequently, "What the hell happened to you?!"

It has only been in the last year, that I have begun to remember what happened and with that comes so much realization about why I was, the way I was. I can honestly say for the last 2 weeks, I've allowed me to grieve for myself. I'm hurt, because I was so sad all the time, and on top of that I had people angry at me for being that way, and on top of THAT, I hated myself for not being able to "snap out of it".

In October of 2003, a very special man on his deathbed, looked up at us, eyes filled with terror and panic and repeated the phrase "I'm so afraid, I'm so scared". I knew in that moment what he needed to hear and instead I squeezed his hand and reminded him that his family was with him and that they loved him and then promptly escaped and sobbed all the way home - knowing full well, what my lack of courage may have cost him. Luckily his wife, who claims to have no faith at all, told him to pray and ask Jesus to help him. The man did and was filled with peace, and fell asleep. He died the next day. This was the moment I KNEW God existed and cared; God did not allow me to add this to my list of shame. For that man's sake, and mine, I am eternally grateful. Literally.

I now see life differently. I should be dead about a dozen times over - no joke, and am therefore led to believe, that God must have a purpose for my life...which gives me the strength to keep trudging through the shit.

Last summer, I came forward to police and told them what had happened, out of concern for the perpetrator's daughter and grandchildren to come. The police shut me down.

When you discover that the boogie man in your closet or under you bed, is real; that all the darkness you felt but tried to hide, is honestly a part of you; when the picket fences are torn down and you can no longer look through 24 years of photos without feeling nautious, and yet, even still you cling to all your God-given strength and walk through those doors, and tell the truth, and you hear "It just isn't possible, it could not logically have happened", there is something terrifying that rises up in you. Something that combines grief, loneliness, rage, fear, desperation, disappointment and shame. Something that stares back at you in the mirror, through the dark circles under your eyes. Something you can feel crawling in your skin, rotting in your stomach. It leaves a horrible taste in your mouth. Almost instantly it all gives way to fury and you find yourself biting your tongue to keep for screaming "I dare You!"

So, a couple of months ago, I went to the perpetrator's now-separated, wife's house (who had been like a second mom to us, and is my mom's best friend) and met with her and her daughter (who was like a sister to us, and is my little sister's best friend). I told them what happened and why I had gone to the police. The mom said she believed me that day, (although I think she was in shock). The daughter didn't say much, but she knows I was concerned about her and any future babies and I doubt he'll be allowed anywhere near them. There was a large sense of relief then (after my body had stopped trembling and I remembered how to breathe). A sense that I had done, what I was supposed to do, and that what was left now, was my healing, and then moving on.

My feelings of being inferior, inadequate, unworthy and unlovable were so consistent throughout my life, that up until a few years ago, I believed that was how everyone felt, and that it was just me who was unable to deal with it.

I know I am blessed. I live in a peaceful country. I have a house, a car and a job. I have a family and loving church. I was raised in a loving, Christian home. The only thing my parents did wrong, was trust someone who didn't deserve it. But NO ONE had known. My parents did everything they could. They spent hours crying, praying, talking, sacrificing... of course, I wish they could have stopped it. But knowing what would have happened if they had known - has to be enough for me now. I have them backing me up on this and believing in me - and it's all they can do.

2006-06-05T14:13:00.000-02:30

Wow...more than a month, and I haven't had anything to say. Pretty unbelievable. It's not that there's nothing to say, it's just that it's been said already and I wish it never had, so why say it again?

But...I know that this has been a way of working through stuff for me, and therefore at some point it comes down to discipline...doing what you know will help - even when you really don't want to...and the question of staying stuck...and once the truth of remaining here if I choose to not do, what I know will help, hits home...there is no longer a 'choice'.

I wrote my story last week. The story of me.
I've been depressed ever since.

So, in order to process - I'm going to share it. You will probably recognize alot of it, as I've blogged some of it along the way, but reading it as one, sound truth - can't say I enjoyed it.

However, I believe that God is allowing me to go through all of this for some..good..purpose...and because I desperately need to know what that is - I will keep trudging through it.

So, keep checking back if you're interested in knowing what one woman's sad truth, is. (I should write book jacket blurbs, don't you think? Isn't that catchy and suspenseful? Ya, no, I know it's not. Sorry.)

Checking In

2006-04-27T13:39:00.000-02:30

I have been having a tough time lately. I'm overwhelmed. Tired. Lonely. Sad. There really doesn't seem to be a calming of the storm, anywhere in the near future.

But I know, God is here with me.

I have stumbled and sunk waist-deep in mud pits and He has been there, hand extended, to pull me out. And I feel as though I've been leaving stuff behind, that each time He yanks me back out of the mud, I lose a shoe and than a sock. And as stuff is being stripped away, memories are beginning to surface. None that are clear yet or even easily identifiable. It's more like the acid trip you see in a movie - loud noises, lots of faces, places, times all whirling around together.

I thought that a time in my life, that was more about labels than content was finally past, only to find out - we've only just begun. You cannot imagine the amount of energy - the FIGHT it takes, to make me get out of bed in the morning. The dread, in the pit of my stomach of having to leave my house. Then the dread in the pit of my stomach, of having to go home.

I'm so afraid of actually becoming what I always thought I was, that I can't let myself relax. I don't want 'THIS' to define me. I don't WANT it to be my life story. I wish it was as simple as " Man that really fucking sucks - what a bastard." And boom...it's over. Done. I admitted it. I even came forward. It was wrong, but it happened. He should be neutered. So...lets take a photography course. Ya know? Instead of the months I've already spent, trying to deal with the shame and guilt, and becoming stronger...blah, blah SHUT UP! If it's true that whatever doesn't kill ya only makes ya stronger, than I need to join the WWF because I'm missing out on some millions of dollars.

I just want to be...a mother (step-mom, whatever), wife, daughter, sister, friend, cousin, niece, granddaughter, aunt. A fun, loving, kind, caring person. A good listener. Humble, but confident. Strong, but gentle. Motivated. LOVED.

I don't want to sit in a circle with strange people and discuss how our lives center around this crap. I want to discuss how our lives should be lived INSPITE of this crap. If I'm asking you if I should swerve into the ditch...Don't ask me what colour the deer is or how long I think it's legs are, or whether or not I can see the colour of it's eyes. I'm approaching it at a terrifying rate of 90kms/hr and slamming on the brakes is not enough to avoid it - I need to know what to do instead. Ya, so that's my rant for today. And I'm actually posting because a couple of people have been trying to get a hold of me and I know you're concerned (thank you :), and I feel good enough today to do it.

So...there's a good indicator. This is the best I've felt in at least 2 weeks. Now you know why I disappear for a while, imagine what I sound like when I feel REALLY crappy. (Sarcasm - my way of making light of everything that isn't funny).

Chow.

An Elephant In Our Midst

2006-04-13T11:21:00.000-02:30

I was in the blogsphere this morning and was relieved to find things were resonating with me, making sense again. It's a horrible feeling when you've got the brainswirls...there's so much going on, but you can't make sense out of any of it (or very little anyway). Well, apparently the fog has cleared, which I need to give credit for:

Bobbie's blog http://emergingsideways.blogspot.com/ (sorry, I don't know how to do links any other way) has the lyrics to the new Dixie Chicks song, I'm Not Ready To Make Nice, and a link to the video. Um...they express what I feel and cannot say, really well. :)

Also, Rick's post http://newlifeemerging.blogspot.com/ about elephants, (mmh hmmm, I said elephants) provided me with a much needed revelation - I am FINALLY in the process of dealing and healing, with the elephant in my life...and all it's piles of shit. No, it's nowhere near done and I kind of feel like a pile of elephant dung at the moment, BUT after living with the elephant, which had taken over my sleeping quarters, my thought process, my abilities and self-worth, (among other things), the elephant has begun to shrink. I find my bed is a bit bigger than I thought, I'm perhaps slightly more able and equipped than I had previously believed, and there seems to be a slowing of the swirling in my head. I realize that although the elephant has done some pretty serious damage, and I may always bare the scars, the bleeding will eventually stop, and the raw wounds will eventually scab over.

And last but never in the least, my (earthly) father, who has patiently given ear to my incoherent blubbering, deep, deep hurts and sailor-mouth anger, and who repeatedly suggested that I read Psalms and ask God to speak to me.
And so I did. And He did. Thank you Dad.

Psalm 25

To You, O Lord, I lift up my soul; in You I trust, O my God.
Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me.

No one whose hope is in You will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse.

Show me Your ways, O Lord, teach me Your paths;
guide me in Your truth and teach me, for You are God my Saviour,
and my hope is in You all day long.

Remember, O Lord, Your great mercy and love, for they are from of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways;
according to Your love remember me, for You are good, O Lord.

Good and upright is the Lord; therefore He instructs sinners
in His ways.
He guides the humble in what is right and teaches
them His way.

All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful
for those who keep the demands of His covenant.
For the sake of Your name, O Lord forgive my iniquity,
though it is great.

Who, then, is the man that fears the Lord?
He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.
He will spend his days in prosperity,
and his descendants will inherit the land.

The Lord confides in those who fear Him;
He makes His covenant known to them.

My eyes are ever on the Lord,
for only He will release my feet from the snare.
Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.

The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish.
Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins.
See how my enemies have increased and how fiercely they hate me!

Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame,
for I take refuge in You.
May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope is in You.

Redeem Israel, O God, from all their troubles!

**RETRACTION

2006-04-12T12:04:00.000-02:30

This is a first in my blog history...having to retract or clarify statements previously made. But it just goes to show you that what I said about not being able to form sentences or think clearly, really is a problem at the moment, (especially considering how many times I rewrote in those 3 weeks!) and taught me that although this a good tool for blowing off steam, there are times, even in writing annonymously, that you need to watch it. Lesson learnt.
To all those who have no clue what I'm babbling about - in my post from the 10th, there are some parts that caused some people to really be freaked out and I am VERY sorry girls!
So this is where I attempt to clarify:

"I am here, in a place where I feel more unloved today, than I did 6 years ago - the final time I attempted to end it. It has to end."

Gotta tell ya, reading this now, I feel like an idiot - it really didn't sound, like it sounds, when I wrote it.

I do feel more unloved now then I did 6 years ago...a lot of that is coming up because of memories being recovered, part of that is the lack of (bad) coping (meaning avoiding) methods, and the rest is that the love I finally thought/did have has been taken away - which hurts more, than when I didn't have it at all. The difference is this time I know I am loved, even when I don't feel it - I just have to think about drinking chocolate milk and watching the sunset and I'm all good. :)

"- the final time I attempted to end it" SO sorry! I was trying to say that, I feel worse now, than I did then...and look how bad I felt then. It was easier to not care as much when I felt like that was an 'out'...you can handle just about anything when you've got your escape route all mapped out. The "final attempt" was supposed to convey that there is NO next option. So~o sorry. "to end it" 'It' was much more than my life...deeper than that...the hurt, the pain, the crap, the fear, the hole. "It has to end." The hurt, the pain, the crap, the fear, the hole.

I love you guys - sometimes knowing you are there is all that gets me through. I'm so sorry I caused you to worry. If this helps -
*Suicide has not and will not ever be an option again.*
I may feel like I wish I were dead - sad, but true sometimes - but possibly?? healthy in a way...it can't be a crazy thing to wish for the place we all know is coming, can it?

A place without pain, hurt, no more tears, standing face to face...you'd have to be crazy to not ever find THAT a pleasant destination choice.

Curse God and Die

2006-04-10T16:06:00.000-02:30

In a world without God or beliefs, this is where I'd be begging my friends to walk, no - RUN away. How long has it been? Days, weeks, months...it all runs together now; a storm that doesn't break, a fire that's unceasing. You really have no concept of how much blood is in your body - until you've suffered a nasty cut and can't stop the bleeding, or the capacity you have for crying - until you've sobbed for days and weeks on end. "Curse God and die." - spoken by Job's friends, and his wife! They weren't heathens, they weren't happy this was happening, it wasn't a bet that they wanted to win. They were like me. They knew God existed and loved them and was faithful and good, but didn't understand how that concept of God, fit with Job's suffering. And again, I'm not Job. (Although, I have had the boils.)

This is what I mean. H o w, do we hold onto that "loving-God" image that never leaves or forsakes us, when you've been pushed so far past the line of being able to survive, that you don't care that you wore that outfit last week or that there appears to be no food, and no toilet paper left, that remembering to change your underwear and put deodorant on this morning are things to celebrate, and that you no longer possess the ability to think or form complete sentences. And you're thinking, "but that's what you're doing right now." Wrong. I've had the last three weeks to work on this blog. 3 WEEKS! I used to write 2 or 3 pages every day.

If an atheist comes walking in here right now, and asks me if I believe in God - my answer is sure. I know about God's character, and that His ways are mysterious and that we will never fully understand this side of heaven and that He works all things together for good and He is full of mercy, grace and forgiveness.

Here's the thing - how does that concept fit with my life? Why did he allow me to fall in love with a person that would rarely ever be seen again? Why did He fill me with this much love, so that even when I'm in this much pain, this hurt...I can't shut it off. It would be so much easier if I could hate right now. But apparently that feeling is reserved only for myself and my weakness in staying here. I hate that I'm trapped or stuck here. Do I think I'm a victim? Who the fuck cares!?! What difference does that make?

"If you had enough faith, you'd be healed."
"You are the maker of your own destiny, your fate is in your hands."

BULLSHIT.

Did people just one day wake up and start asking for the recent hurricanes that have wiped out entire cities? Some demented mother somewhere asked God to please give her a mentally handicapped child or a blind child? Some little two, or four, or twelve year old girl, prayed that God would let a 40 year old chump, molest her. A young man hoped that his stepdad would be really nice and show it by beating them with whatever weapon was closest. Another little boy hoped he'd get to see and hear many drunken fights, one involving his mom chasing his dad with a steak knife. A seven year old girl was happy to be kidnapped and held hostage for 3 terrifying days, before finally escaping. THIS...is my problem. One slice after another, after another, after another and the bleeding just.will.not.stop. I am here, in a place where I feel more unloved today, than I did 6 years ago - the final time I attempted to end it. It has to end.

I have fought harder in the last two years, than I have in my entire 25 years on the face of this fucking earth and every inch of healing or growth was bought with a price. Sometimes the price is just too high. Too much has happened. Too much was said. But more importantly, wa~ay too many things were put off, brushed aside and left unsaid. People - left in limbo.

Those things, the things that you shove to the back of your shelves, they're not important enough right? They're not worth it. If they were worth it, you'd make or find the time - somehow, you'd take care of it. But instead, instead you cram it in there with your smelly old soccer shoes from fifth grade, and your old sketch book filled with "r + t = tlf", and there it stays...until one day, you go looking for your old soccer shoes. Forgetting the smell, and thinking only of the momentous occasion when you'll pass them on to Billy Jr., you come across that forgotten thing. You pull it out, blow the dust off the top and examine it. It smells musty and damp, and a little bit like your soccer shoes. It's covered with mildew and the dust has stained it in most places. You feel this sadness welling up inside you. Why? After all these years...why?

Because you failed to notice it's worth when you had the chance. You failed to cherish it, and take care of it - and now it's damaged, probably beyond repair.

2006-04-05T10:51:00.000-02:30

A baby ripped from the arms of a screaming mother.
Hope run out.

The paralyzing fear that there is nothing left.
Hope run out.

A husband admitting suicide as an option.
Hope run out.

The sickening disgust of being found out.
Hope run out.

A child so damaged, he accepts death as fate.
Hope run out.

Lord God, come to our rescue.
We are not enough.

Message Received

2006-03-20T13:21:00.000-03:30

This morning's devotion, and the whisper "this one's for you" from a co-worker, moments after the first sentences had been read, turned out to be just that.
I have felt abandoned in the physical world, as well as the spiritual and last weeks '5 steps forward, 6 steps back' just about did me in. This morning on my way to work I told God, I was ready to disappear, and then for one brief moment thought "maybe God's will is for me to stay put" - which was quickly dismissed (as running held temptations of freedom and adventure), but not forgotten. Fast forward to 9:30, morning devotions for staff and residents.

"But then one day the problems caused by our avoidance become more of a problem than the difficulties we are trying to avoid. If we are fortunate, this is when we wake up to the wisdom of the Serenity Prayer and accept our hardships as the pathway to peace."

~ Loud groan and roll of the eyes (Me)
~ A grin and a whisper, "This one's for you".

"Whenever we find ourselves experiencing difficulties, there is one bit of good news that we need to hold on to. Put very simply, it is this: God is deeply present in all the facts of our lives. Even when they are painful. There is no fear, no loss, no grief, no loneliness, no despair, no addiction, no desolation, no suffering which God does not share in. God is continually present and reaching out to us in whatever we may be going through at this moment. When we know that God is with us, even when our world is falling apart, we are more able to face the pain of things with hope and courage. This is why the Serenity Prayer asks us not to run away from our hardships - they are the place where the Suffering God draws close to us. God can only bless us where we actually are, especially when we are going through tough times. If we constantly try to escape our pain, we can easily miss the gifts that God wants to bless us with. Gifts like peace and serenity and growth. But when we face these testing moments head on, with the confidence that Someone is there going through them with us, we open ourselves to receive whatever good thing God may bestow on us."

Although in one sense I still don't want to be here ~ a little of that self-protective fight or flight syndrome ~ and it doesn't make me like what I'm going through, or take the pain away, I certainly know that God's will is not me running.

So Lord, I ask You to take the desire to bolt away and I ask for strength to endure this. I know You are with me, so would You comfort me, speak to me and guide me. My flesh is SOOO weak. I'm tired and afraid. I feel small and beyond inadequate. Equip me Lord. I don't want to make things worse and I hurt too much to sit and do nothing. Give me wisdom and discernment. It is too dark, too heavy. I'm so tired Lord. And lost. And lonely. I'm broken and weak Lord. Make me strong Lord. I don't want to be another burden or one more mess they have to clean up. Help me, please help me.

2006-03-16T11:48:00.000-03:30

Lingering, searching
Longing and seeking
The hunger, excitement and sorrow
The desire to be more
The fear of never being
Knowing I am called to so much more
Frustrated at my inability to let go,
To let God
Something that seems so far out of reach
I was made for more than this
He was made for more than this
Lost - I don't want to be a waste
I want to be who you called me to be
I want to experience all that you planned for me
I want to make a difference
Let me be used Lord - for healing,
for those who are broken, those who are suffering
I want to be healed
I want to be whole
Too much time has been spent on me
Too much crap has been the story
I want to uplift people
I want them to see You through me
I want to be a good testimony
Always in pain, always something going on -
the bearer of bad news
how can I show them You?
I need a break Lord
He needs a break
WE need a break
Please Lord
Take these 2 broken lives
and turn them into something meaningful
Don't let us wander in the wilderness any longer
Remove us from the grips of the enemy
I proclaim that every inch of our lives
belongs to Him who created us
Lord bring something good out of so much pain
Let it not be in vain
Let him experience Your joy, true joy
Let us not be put to shame
Let us not wallow any longer
Grant us wisdom and understanding Lord
so that we may endure these trials
Bring relief Lord
The load is too heavy
Bring healing and forgiveness
Lift us up, out of the pit
God give him eyes to see You
Show him Your love
Soften his heart
Make us whole
Cut off all that holds us back
Get rid of hatred, bitterness,
malice, slander, pride, lust, greed
Help us to be gentle and kind, patient
and grateful, generous and helpful
Lord open our eyes
Show us both our place
Don't let this be a waste
Protect us from the attacks of the enemy
We are not mighty enough for this battle
We don't have the strength to fight any longer
Nor the wisdom, for our ways are not Your ways
This is Your battle Lord
We ask You to come to our aid
Fight this battle for us Lord
We ask that You would snatch our lives back
Out of the grasp of the enemy
Defeat Him Lord
Let ten thousand fall at our side
Let it not touch us
We wait on you Lord
Renew our strength
Heal our physical bodies
Mend our broken hearts

Never Alone

2006-03-15T12:14:00.000-03:30

Barlow Girl

I waited for you, today
But You didn't show oh no, no
I needed You, today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said you'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

I cry out with no reply and
I can't feel You by my side
So, I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone

And though I can not see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life, oh
We cannot seperate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

I cry out with no reply and
I can't feel You by my side
So, I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone

We cannot seperate
You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I trust the unseen

I cry out with no reply and
......I can't feel you by my side
.............So, I'll hold tight to what I know
.......................You're here and I'm never alone

Delirious

2006-03-13T18:03:00.000-03:30

I have that feeling of unrest...the one where the desire to change, to make something happen, is too intense. My head starts spinning and I usually end up crashing hard because of my inability to sort things out - it ends
up being one big pile of things I've failed to do/start or finish.
So here's my whirling...this is my first attempt at analyzing it during, so bear with me.

Major anxiety - I have an unsettled, 'it's not over yet' thing going on, as far as memory recovery and flashbacks. Impatience - As much as I REALLY do not want to recall anything else that nasty - I wish it would all just come back so I knew what I was I dealing with. It's sort of like being able to pee "just a little" because now you're too full (after the 8 glasses of water and the 2-hour wait), for the ultra sound. "Sorry miss, but when I'm this full - there is no stop button and I just can't let it trickle out, so you need to hurry this thing up or you're gonna lose it all!"

And the whole child-within thing? Sorry guys, but this whole subject makes me cringe. I mean seriously, when you hear that you have a child within, emotionally stunted at a certain age, are you telling me that none of you picture the dancing baby from Ally Macbeal? You did right? And so ok, I can see I react from that emotional soft spot, so lets stop talking about her and grow this kid up already! I didn't get a childhood...why should she? You tell me in order to heal, I need to pay attention to her, listen to her, stop bashing her, nurture her - I'm seriously worried I'm going to come out of this much crazier than when I went in.

I want to stop starting at square one. Everytime I start to feel like I'm making some kind of progress...you know, like I might be able to make some kind of commitment to my church to help out some way...something else surfaces and I'm thrown right back down to the bottom of the freakin abyss, and I have to start climbing out of this bottomless pit all over again. If my hand or foot slips once, I might just lose my grip and never find my way out again. There is no room for error here. It is an incredibly slow and mind-numbingly painful process that is often so incredibly dark that I am unable to see whether I'm still heading up or whether I've been thrown off track and am now going sideways.

I'm tired of waiting, wishing, wanting. I feel so useless sometimes, like someone has the ability to just completely suck the life out of me, so that I'm some lifeless being roaming without a purpose. And other times, (like now) my mind is whirling with dreams, hopes, possibilities, creative inspiration, passion, life, colour and it is incredible and exhilarating and exhausting. I'm tired of looking into the distance. I am incredibly annoyed that the horizon line never seems to change or come closer.

I want to be a person who is healthy and logical and patient and gentle and trusting and kind and a great listener, ready to support those who need it, instead of this raw, ball of pain and anger and hatred and frustration and exhaustion and despair. I want it not to be a constant battle in my head in order to think about those things which I know to be true. I want to be able to recite scripture out loud when someone needs to hear it instead of my own head disputing it as I try to remember it. I so badly desire real healing...wholeness. I want to be someone that makes a difference. I want to be a woman my husband is proud to be married to, a step-mom that my boys are fond of and know will always be there, a daughter, sister and friend that is uplifting and encouraging.

Do You hear me Lord? Just this once...could I please know what "all-at-once" healing feels like? Puh-lease? Seriously...I don't need any more understanding - I don't think people necessarily listen that closely to what I have to say...I've been told I'm a good writer, so I'll explain what I know and just 'wing it' for the rest. Come on - seriously...please, help me. Speak to me. Don't let me stay where I crash.

24 No More

2006-03-09T13:01:00.000-03:30

I almost feel like I should start another blog, somehow 24 seemed significant.

They say that a year is not wasted if you can look back and remember times when you laughed, and times when you cried. I hope my standards are somewhat more realistic - that, for me, is a week not wasted.

There is no question that this was a difficult, painful, and sometimes desperate year for me. There were times I doubted that I'd make it through and there were times I didn't want to. Although my perception has often been that I was going 12 steps back, I know that I need to be going through the 'mire' in order to heal.

I am a fickle human being...praising the Lord one minute and screaming for deliverance the next. But God hasn't stepped in. He hasn't taken away the memories, He didn't stop the car, He hasn't waved His wand and wiped away the pain and tears, He didn't yank the bottle out of my hands or beam me up and out of that house. He didn't give me iron fists or the ability to see through walls, and He didn't hit 'rewind'.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

He has taught me how to live each day (sometimes each minute) on His strength; to rely on Him first for love, protection, wisdom and guidance. He has demonstrated the power and importance of prayer. He has spoken to me (and sometimes for me). He has given me discernment and taught me to shut up and listen. He has wrapped His loving arms around me and held me while I wept. He has taught me to love from the overflow of His love and though I mess up, He continues to walk patiently beside me, in total acceptance. He has opened my eyes to certain realities and breathed a desire for healing and change deep inside me. He has given me amazing people who share this desire and love me, encourage me and pray for me and who will pick me up when I feel defeated. This has definitely not been a year wasted. I have been truly blessed.

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace. Ecc. 3:1-8

Ode To My Friend

2006-03-07T11:42:00.000-03:30

Ok, if I was any good at hacking computers, I'd figure out how to do this on her own blog, but since I can't, I'd like to offer today and this spot, as
a forum for blessing.

Today is Biscotti Brain's birthday
and I think one of the best presents you can offer anyone, is prayer and blessing. So if you feel like sharing your heart, please do.

Erin - my sister, my friend,

One of the first times we prayed together, we received this scripture:
As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Ephesians 4:1

Look at just this last year. Look at all the things that have happened. Look back to where you and I were a year ago. I have to believe that God is preparing us, because in one year A LOT has happened.

You have inspired me to tackle the tough stuff. You have been a safe place, a comforting hug, an encouraging word, a prayer warrior, and surprisingly, a worthy opponent when my stubbornness blinded my logic.

I have watched you tromp (my word) through swampy waters knee-high, in order to be in the place God is calling you. I have seen you swallow your hurt, your pride in order to make peace where God has asked you. I have witnessed you face the biggest hurdle I think we as Christians face, as you try to let go of your perception of you and take in God's perception of you - it is a beautiful thing girl.

You have shown me by example what it's like to be the kind of Christian I always hoped existed. Somebody real...not hiding from the world, pain or truth. Someone doing their best to walk the way we should - admitting their mistakes, acknowledging their weakness and in that, leaning on God for His strength.

You have softened the heart of this cynic and shown me why it is all worthwhile. You have provided hope when I had none. You have honoured me, by letting me in and sharing your life with me.

Most of all, I have been so blessed and encouraged to press on, as together we work towards "living worthy of our calling". I love you.
And I am so glad you were born today! Happy Birthday Beautiful.

There's always one. more. thing.

2006-03-06T16:10:00.000-03:30

See, now I don't know whether to laugh or cry...

10th grade...I was first trumpet.
And I deserved it. I mean I was go~od.
(Don't want to toot my own horn - he he)
BUT -
(and there it is folks, bringin'er back to reality with a thud)

When that horrible day arrived and it was my turn to
be tested - I puked. In the music room. Yep.
My teacher, let me play for him later...and I did so well,
I got the solo for the concert.
Luckily the baritones agreed to stand in front of me, (I
happen to be a little on the short side), so I was able to
survive and performed well.

But, when that fateful day rolled round again, my fingers
were so shaky, I couldn't turn to the page I was asked to play.
Then my quivering lips - unable to form the required seal and
pressure - brought forth one loud, long note with a range that
stunned even the music teacher, (and I was able to make it to
the garbage can by the door, before hurling).

I've had a stomach full of fear - and many of these 'tales' to
accompany it. So why share my humiliation now?

My boss just came to me and asked me to be part of the tour.
We often have people call in and book tours here and we do it, so
that people have an understanding of what they are supporting.
Our experience has been, that when people see the ministry for
themselves, the support usually increases. Unless you have a heart
of coal, it's fairly impossible to not feel that tug at your heart.
So why jeopardize that?

I love the heart of this cause. I love the reason I'm here.
Not to be redundant but, it's why I'm here.
And I don't want to ruin any chance of gaining support
by puking on our guests!
So, I told my boss my trumpet story...

She laughed and asked me to let her know what I plan to say.
The clincher?
The first tour is on my birthday.
"Shouldn't I be skipping horrible tasks on my birthday?"
(Picture the large, hazel puppy dog eyes).

Ya. Apparently not.
Hopefully they wear their raincoats.

well well well, truth is revealed

2006-03-03T14:43:00.000-03:30

So...for all those who thought it might be a power trip or that they had "an axe to grind", I concede - you were right. Yep. You heard me. YOU were RIGHT.

Every time I start to feel confident, (let's not confuse this with pride or anything, I mean, I feel that I have some slight understanding of how things work around here), I step in the same shit (different pile).

I do not understand. These people contradict themselves on a daily basis. And they're demeaning! They talk down to me...like I am more stupid, less competent, and will never amount to anything more.
And I am to blame for everything...the scapegoat. I get blamed for their screw-ups and nothing I ever do is right. (ie. If I do something and they say, "you should've done the exact opposite" and then next time, same situation, I DO the opposite...it's wrong! I don't even think THEY know what they want, (or their own issues have overtaken and blinded them so much that they no longer care about why they're here).

"I should've said something", but at the same time
"I should just walk away... it's not my place to say anything".

"I should be more flexible...more helpful" - but now they don't trust me with KEYS! Can you believe it?

"I shouldn't spend so much time over there" - except at this time when it's not good for us.

Come here. Go away. Say this. What did you just say?! Do this. Now why would you do that?! You did a great job. Didn't she do an awful job!? Good initiative. Who does she think she is?!?

(Ya. I think the counselor should be offering group sessions).

I do what I'm asked...and it's wrong and now I'm untrustworthy. Me!
That's one I never thought I'd hear.
Anybody have a clue what that's like? To KNOW that you're being discussed in such a way that when people disperse, instead of any "hey! job well done", you find yourself staring blankly at the hand extended in front of you, that's waiting for you to turn in your keys and wonder..."WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!? SERIOUSLY."

I'm tired. And sad. It is REALLY sad, that a christian environment is not a better witness. It is really sad, that instead of working together for a common goal, we are dragging each other down.

I know that I've always lacked self confidence and that's not good...but to have your superior treat you like you've climaxed, and that who you are is someone not worthy of her respect, time, trust, gratitude - I feel like I'm being beaten from all sides, you know? Like I just want to crawl into my bed and hide under the covers until the Lord returns (or I have an epiphany and find my place in this world). Remind you of a song?

Just Enough Time To Breathe, Not Enough Time To Sigh

2006-02-27T15:35:00.000-03:30

Yep, that's right. I did.
I almost feel stupid about it now.
I had enough time to come up for air.
And so I inhaled deeply and...
BAM! SMASH. WHACK. UUUUUUUUUUUUGH...

Someone kicked the crap right out of me.

Let's see, from Sunday around 4pm-ish until Monday around noon-ish.
(At least last time I got like 24 hours).

Whatever. I don't know what to think.
I am sooo fed up.
Is this for real?
Where are the cameras?
Can you guys go to commercial already?

THIS ISN'T FUN FOR ME...I WANT OUT

PLEASE God, Please.
Don't let this one be real.
You gotta get us out of here.
Pleeaase God.
Are you even there Lord?
Help me.
Please.
No more Lord. No more.
Not this. Not now.

Just like Peter

2006-02-20T12:52:00.000-03:30

Matthew 14:28-31a
"Lord, if it's You," Peter replied, "tell me to come to You on the water."
"Come," He said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out His hand and caught him.

I asked Him to grow me. I gave Him permission to do whatever needed to be done in my life, in order for me to be a whole and effective tool in His hand. He began to show areas that required attention...acknowledgement, closure, forgiveness and healing. I fought it...finally, reluctantly climbing out of the boat. I noticed the wind, the waves, the clouds, the lightening...I cried out, I screamed and yelled and cursed. I curled up with my pain. I was calling for Him to rescue me, but my eyes were locked on the terrifying height of the waves and the darkness of the sky and so, I did not even see Him there, hand stretched out.

Joshua 1:6-8
6 "Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. 7 Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. 8 Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.

Psalm 88 (New International Version)

2006-02-19T00:40:00.000-03:30

1 O LORD, the God who saves me,
day and night I cry out before you.
2 May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.
3 For my soul is full of trouble
and my life draws near the grave.
4 I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like a man without strength.
5 I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.
6 You have put me in the lowest pit,
in the darkest depths.
7 Your wrath lies heavily upon me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
Selah
8 You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
9 my eyes are dim with grief.
I call to you, O LORD, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.
10 Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Do those who are dead rise up and praise you?
Selah
11 Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction?
12 Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?
13 But I cry to you for help, O LORD;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
14 Why, O LORD, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?
15 From my youth I have been afflicted and close to death;
I have suffered your terrors and am in despair.
16 Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.
17 All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me.
18 You have taken my companions and loved ones from me;
the darkness is my closest friend.

2006-02-16T16:09:00.000-03:30

Are you KIDDING?!? Day...after day...after day, I just keep getting
smashed. I don't care how I look. I don't care what you see. I don't
care if you or GOD believe I can handle this. I don't care if it'll make
me stronger. And I don't care that this world is temporary.

I have still spent 24 years getting pulverized.

You think you know what a broken heart feels like. Then something else happens. You've found 'rock bottom'...and then someone moves the rock.
HOW CAN THERE POSSIBLY BE MORE?!?

I have spent 24 years SCREAMING 'get me out of here'!

'Here' is not a geographical location. 'Here' is the place in my head, the hole in my heart, the ache in my gut that rarely has time to understand, let alone heal, from all that has happened before the next storm hits.

Seriously, I feel like I am a pawn in a cosmic game of chess. I guess I don't have a very scientific mind because I don't really have trouble with the whole 'He was dead and rose from the dead' thing. What I take major issue with is the story of Job. Now whether or not God had to give Satan permission is NOT the point.

The point is: God did.

Satan said, "hey can I screw with his life?" and our all-loving Father, who
already has won THEE battle, (therefore has nothing to prove?) looked at
His faithful servant and said 'ya, alright Satan, do whatever you want to
him, just don't touch him.'

Now, I am not in anyway comparing myself to Job's character, (he
repented daily for his children and I often forget to do that for myself).
I'm just saying that I have a major issue with the concept of our loving
Father saying, "sure, screw with him". Doesn't that seem out of character
(& unnecessary) to anyone else?

All I know is that I've been praying on and off for years now, that God
would just take me home, and I am totally freakin tired of taking
hits. (Again people, if I actually thought death was an option, I wouldn't
be half this fed up.) I just...aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh

If I look back on this in 20 or 30 years and see that this was all
worthwhile, I'll call you and let you know. At this point, I have to say...
I would rather not have been created at all.

Standing

2006-02-06T12:23:00.000-03:30

Went away this weekend.
Felt loved. Felt wanted.
Felt important. Felt safe.
Felt heard. Felt appreciated.
Did not want to come back.

God, my flesh is so weak.
I am trying to trust.
I am working on the patience.
I am still here...I want your will.
But it's such a fight to remain.
I'm so tired.
You said You would be with me.
In my weakness, You would be my strength.
You would bind up my wounds.
You will redeem all that has been lost.

You called me to stand.
I've done all that I can do.
I've fought as much as I can fight.
I have come to the end of myself.
I have nothing left.
But I'll stand.
Hunched over and kneading the ache.
But for as long as I'm able, I'll stand.

Profound Insight

2006-01-27T13:23:00.000-03:30

This is an email I received after my last 2 posts, from an important friend and sister (who I miss terribly), who has faithfully supported me through prayer. Good insight, I have to admit.

Hanni,
Reading your blog: You wrote an incredibly powerful prayer on Tuesday. The enemy really tried to bash you for it Wednesday. Hang on love, hang on. Go back to Tues. ...this is part of the "Continual" song we keep listening to. This is the year we stand up and fight. There is victory and we are nearer every day.

At home...where I don't belong?

2006-01-25T18:04:00.000-03:30

Is it normal to question your sanity?
To doubt? To wonder?
What is real and what is not?
What if, what I've accepted as truth, isn't?
How can we really know for sure?
Is it okay to admit defeat?

I've been having a tough time lately...ok, life is crap.
But I continue to express the hope that I have in Christ.
But what if in any given situation, it's as much as He's gonna do.
It's done. What if it's just MY desire to not be here.
What if I'm stuck here, for years, continuously admitting,
"ya, it sucks, but I know God's not going to leave me here,"
but He really is going to. Maybe this is my lot in life.

Maybe even though I hate Africa's nasty snakes and
spiders, and throw up everything I eat and have asthma
attacks daily from the humidity and therefore believe that
God's not going to leave me here...maybe He WILL.
Maybe HE wants me in Africa.
(For those of you wondering, I'm not in Africa...never been).

When is a relationship that is more harmful, than helpful, over?
When I've done all I can do, or is that just the beginning?
How do I know if God's going to do something or if I should give up?
Is it wrong to give up?
What if I've been saying for like a year that I can't handle this,
but am now having trouble swallowing over it.
I'm tired and hurt and sad.
And I'm really tired of people putting the pressure on me to
act in a Godly manner.
I know, I know, I know...that everything counts. That we
have daily opportunities to impact lives.

But I don't want to turn the other cheek.
I don't want to take the 'high' road.
I don't want to "rise above it".

I want to scream and swear. I want to kick the crap out of some very nasty people (who God says I should love and be praying for.) I want revenge. I want the people who have done so much damage and caused so much hurt, to know what it feels like to wake up with nightmares, and cry yourself to sleep, and have problems trusting the people who truly love you. I want to get totally wasted and have no responsibilities.

I want to have someone, excitedly waiting to see me when I get home.

I want to stop wondering if I'm crazy for being in Africa...and praying like hell that God'll get me out before I give in.

I Cry Out

2006-01-24T14:59:00.000-03:30

Lord God, I just ask for a river of healing to begin flowing in people's lives, in communities, cities and countries. On behalf of humanity Lord, I apologize. I am so sorry. I'm sorry for being one of the people who would have messed up your creation from the beginning. I'm sorry for giving into temptations. I'm sorry for breaking all your commandments. Lord on behalf of all of us, I'm sorry for misusing and abusing Your creation. I'm sorry for not realizing and grasping Your intentions. I'm sorry for daily screw-ups and for missed opportunities.
Lord, I thank You. I thank You for being You. I thank You for loving me enough to die for me, for loving me enough to die for all my messes. Lord I ask for healing. I ask that You would reach down into broken places, into the darkness that we have allowed to remain. Maybe it's fear, maybe it's ignorance, but we've allowed it to stay there and be a part of us. Lord I ask that You would be the light in the darkness, that You would expose what is lurking and that Your truth would always expose the lies. Lord, where there are ties and bonds to negative people, situations, thoughts or beliefs, I ask that You would break them in the name of Jesus. Lord, where people have given in or given up, I ask for Your hope in abundance. Where there has been years of turmoil and pain; wrestling with tough questions, searching for truth, Lord I pray that they would find You. That they would KNOW that You are the truth. Where they are crushed and broken and torn, I pray that You would begin binding up those wounds. Lord God, would You just silence the voices that torment.
I pray that You would be real right now Lord; that during this time of desperation and hopelessness that You would provide a way out. Lord I ask that You would gather us up in Your arms and hold us close. I pray that the minute we lose our grip would be the very moment that You'd catch us and carry us. Lord God, in all Your awesome power, would You make Yourself known to us in such a way as there is no room for doubt.
I praise You Heavenly Father, for loving our brothers and sisters, more than we ever could and for remaining faithful to Your word. I thank You for the promise that You WILL restore all that the locusts have eaten. For these reasons Lord, I commit them to You now.
Thank You God. Blessed be Your name.

Hope for Victory

2006-01-20T17:48:00.000-03:30

As I bow my head
To hide the wave of grief
I feel Your steady gaze
And know You know my need
I'm crying and alone
Often feeling of no use
I'm broken and ashamed
So sick of the abuse
I see the cross, the sacrifice
The man suffering for me
I thank You for Your son, Lord
Who died to set me free
I pray that You would hold me
That You'd heal me inside out
I ask You to transform me
That I would not stray or doubt
Lord I know You're watching over me
That You hold me in Your hand
So I'm clinging to the promise
That I'll see the promised land

I KNOW What This Is

2006-01-19T17:07:00.000-03:30

Oh ya, I know this feeling. I know this feeling very, very well. It's the yuck factor. The 'my back is tense, my heart is doing flip-flops, my stomach is unsettled' nervous and anxious kind of yuck factor. The 'I was being tormented through some awful dreams' carry-over. You know, when people ask you, 'what side of the bed did you wake up on?' you should always ask yourself (and the Lord), "what did I dream about last night?". It is almost 4:00pm and the yuck has been clinging to me all day. I am dismal. I feel beaten. And it took me this long to realize that I hadn't been able to shake the early morning slime. So phooey to the thing downstairs and to the Man upstairs:

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you (What'cha wanna do?)
I just wanna praise you (Yeah, yeah)
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise you (What'cha gonna do?)
I'm gonna praise you

In the corners of mind
I just can't seem to find a reason to believe
That I can break free
Cause you see I have been down for so long
Feel like the hope is gone
But as I lift my hands, I understand
That I should praise you through my circumstance

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
I just wanna praise you
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise you
I'm gonna praise you

Everything that could go wrong
All went wrong at one time
So much pressure fell on me
I thought I was gonna lose my mind
But I know you wanna see
If I will hold on through these trials
But I need you to lift this load
Cause I can't take it no more

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance (So I can dance yo)
I just wanna praise you
I just wanna praise you (yeah yeah)
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise you
I'm gonna praise you

Been through the fire and the rain
Bound in every kind of way
But God has broken every chain
So let me go right now

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance (so I can dance yo)
I just wanna praise you (whoa-oo-whoa-oh)
I just wanna praise you (I wanna praise ya)
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands (I can lift my hands)
And I'm gonna praise you (praise ya)
I'm gonna praise you

Unexpected to Survive - Grieving

2006-01-13T11:05:00.000-03:30

Grief is experienced in 5 stages. The first stage took me 22 years to wade through - denial. I have never been able to recall my childhood. Everything before the age of 12 was a complete blank. There was much speculation about why that was, but nothing seemed to suffice.

When "they" (doctors, psychiatrists, therapists, psychologists, counselors) were unable to crack the code to unlocking the mystery and had exhausted all the prescriptions and techniques they had under their belt, they would bring in my parents, in hopes of an obvious cause. After the usual questions had been answered, they would work together on expressing their anger and dealing with an unbalanced child, and then my parents would leave and "they" would be left with no more information than they already knew. For a while, "they" would talk about the mundane details of life, but eventually I would realize they had given up and stop going.

I felt crazy. I knew my parents loved me. I knew I was lucky to be in the family I was in. I knew we were surrounded by a solid, loving, Christ-like group of friends. I believed it was just me...that my head was just really messed up and it was my choice whether to stay there or not. But the harder I tried to be the good Sunday school girl; the more I sang in the choir, volunteered for the nursery and agreed to read the scripture reading in church, the bigger the knot in my stomach grew. (The knot by the way, is a very real pain in my gut that we have nicknamed my prostate, as doctors were unable to find anything). There was something inherently wrong with me.

When I was 15, I was hospitalized with a ruptured cyst and a bleeding ulcer... caused by stress. Another red flag...but still no answers. I was hospitalized or in bed for significant periods of time, every year after that, with a long list of not-normal ailments.

As I hit my late teens, I was successfully living 2 separate lives. The one I needed people to see (happy and loving), and the one that I had completely lost control over. The thing that had always been lurking in the darkness; that had cast a shadow on every detail of my life, was now completely over-taking me. At times, the pain that was such a part of me, felt like it was slowly choking every last gasp of life out of me. I couldn't make it through the day straight. I was drunk before I ever made it to school and would spend the day in a substance-induced fog. When it wasn't enough to numb me anymore, I added sedatives and pain killers. I was anorexic and bulemic. When none of that was numbing enough, I'd use exacto blades to slice up my arms. Whatever it took to get my mind off the pain. I existed in this state for 3-4 years.

During this time, I also attempted suicide 3 times, the third time nearly achieving the desired result. This was not a cry for help. I wanted out. All I could see was what a mess I was, all I could feel was the darkness that tortured me...I believed I was a burden to everyone I knew and that it was the only good thing I could do for all those involved. The last attempt was the straw that broke this camel.

I found myself in yet another office with a "they", who of course drugged me up, but who actually seemed to care. There was some progress made, however I left his care without being any closer to solving the mystery.

Fast forward to this, my 24th year; suddenly it all came out. How? I woke up in the middle of the night, because a movie had started playing in my mind, in slow motion. I was only 2 years old when it started.
2 YEARS OLD.
I am definitely in the hurt and anger stages of grief right now. That same movie played every day for 3 months. Then I was able to tell my parents.
Devastation.
My 24th year has not only crapped all over my life, but also in the lives of my husband, parents, sisters, extended family and family friends.
Shock.
Disbelief.
Anger.
Extreme anger.
Realizations.
Suddenly my life makes sense. It's not just my head.

Always feeling like whatever happened next would be what killed me...um, could that possibly have anything to do with hearing from the ages 2-12 that if I told, he'd kill me? And of course I had blocked it all out, so because I didn't remember what I was not allowed to talk about, I was afraid of everything. I didn't talk about my problems. (Also possibly why I'm currently letting it all out).

How about being super, over-protective of my family (to the extent of violence)...maybe because he threatened their lives too? Maybe because I knew I could never come close to fixing the mess, I thought I had caused.

How about thriving on the "you're too young for this" comments, made by nurses when I was checked in for my various ailments...longing for them to say those 5 words...because it felt like someone got it. I was validated. Although I had no idea what the darkness was, my heart lept every time I heard those words.

Nothing was as it should be. I was robbed from the start. I never experienced being pure, sweet and beautiful. I never had a chance of being the "unblemished". I knew I had lost something I could never get back, I just never knew what that was. Until now.
My childhood.
The safety and security I so badly needed.
An accurate reflection of who I was.
For years, I wore the baggiest clothes I could find in order to hide. It was never flattering to be noticed, in fact, it always made me squirm. At some point I came to the realization that if anybody were able to be with me, inspite of me, I should hold on to them. The result? BAD relationships.
I was terrified of older men.
I didn't trust anyone.
I shunned God. I decided none of it were true because He couldn't possibly love me and not provide me with an escape. He would've never let it happen. He would've stopped it.

Honestly, I am not any closer today, to figuring out why He allowed it, but I know that He didn't want that for me. I know that as I grieve, He is here with me. He has held me close. He has saved me from death (both spiritually and about 6 times, physically). He has knit my family together tighter than we have ever been, in the face of some things that could have tore us apart. He has sent me angels; friends who heed His voice and call when prompted, and pray, and encourage. He has walked with my husband and helped him understand and given him much needed patience.

I have unknowingly spent my life believing what the enemy wanted me to believe. He has been continuously wreaking havoc on my life and my family. He has stolen, he has destroyed and he has tried his hardest to kill.
I was unexpected to survive, but I have.
My family was unexpected to survive some heavy, devastating things, but we did.
And our relationship with our Heavenly Father was unexpected to survive, oh...but it has. And the more the enemy struggles to destroy, the more we lean and rely on the Lord for our daily strength.
I really am angry when I look at the path of destruction that he has left as he swept through our lives, but the Lord will rebuild and restore. So in order to share in the Lord's victory, I say, start singing!!!

"This is the year, all of our tears will be dried
All of our promises, will not be denied
This is the year, hope for our nation will rise
Dreams that were sleeping, will now come alive
Valleys raised up and mountains brought low
He'll come with such glory,
The whole earth will know that
GOD HE IS HERE
THE HEAVENS TORN OPEN
THE NATIONS WILL FEAR
GOD HE IS HERE
THE HOUR IS UPON US
THE KINGDOM'S DRAWN NEAR
SO DANCE, SING
COME BRING YOUR OFFERING
This is the year, the spirit of the Lord will anoint
Saints with authority, to stand up and fight
This is the year, passion will be lit again
Fires that were fading, will burn strong and bright
The church will triumph once more
Great shouts of victory will rise for His name saying
GOD HE IS HERE
THE HEAVENS TORN OPEN
THE NATIONS WILL FEAR
GOD HE IS HERE
THE HOUR IS UPON US
THE KINGDOM'S DRAWN NEAR
SO DANCE, SING
COME BRING YOUR OFFERING"

Unexpected to Survive - At The Starting Gate

2006-01-12T16:48:00.000-03:30

My chest hurts and I have the weird, uneven heart beat thing going on. I've been blue the last few days, but the numb sort of blue. All of a sudden, I'm desperately trying to keep psycho-busy so that I can't think and everyone will leave me alone. I have that 'naked and shamed' thing going on and the more I try to focus elsewhere, the more I choke on the sobs caught in my throat. I'm not even sure why. Don't get me wrong, I know I have every reason to be sad...it just makes me wonder why now? I mean, things have improved in all areas at least a tiny bit.

Someone say grief? Overwhelming grief. Like grieving over my entire freakin life. I've felt guilty about this because somehow I thought it was blasphemous or something. But I know that although God allows things to happen, He does not will or plan for crap. So...here we go. 24 years of repressed grieving, coming right up. Would you like fries with that?

Unexpected to Survive - Getting Back on the Horse

2006-01-10T18:11:00.000-03:30

I am anxious and hopeful.
There is so much that has to change.
Be re-built, re-learned, re-taught.
But my hope is in the Lord.

Feelings really are fickle!
Two weeks ago, I agreed with the enemy.
I took my eyes off Him.
I saw only what surrounded me.
I felt only my own pain.
I heard only my own screams.
I believed it would kill me.

Thankfully, the Lord is full of mercy.
No matter how often I fall.
No matter how badly I mess it up.
He waits. With open arms.
He welcomes me back with love.

I am overwhelmed.
I am hurting.
I DO feel broken.

But I am trusting.
That He loves me.
That He wants the best for me.
That He knows what He's doing.
That He has His hand on this.
That He will not leave me like this.
That He will give me the strength I need.
That He will continue to send His angels.
That He will walk me through it.
That He will always love me.

Morning Musings

2006-01-04T11:02:00.000-03:30

Two thoughts to mull over this morning...

1) That area in your life, where the enemy is concentrating
his most brutal attacks, is where the Lord desires to bring
His victory. (Author Unknown)

2) Praise always PRECEDES deliverance.

If both these thoughts are truths, then we need to start praising the Lord DURING the attack. I know we've all heard it before, but it's somehow
real to me today. Praise is a powerful weapon, used in spiritual warfare.
If the enemy can get our eyes off the Lord and onto our own crap, we're
not going to be praising Him.

But if instead, we continue to hope in the Lord, even in our toughest and
most painful trials, and offer our praise, something shifts in the
Heavenlies. It is not, by any means, by our own power that these things happen...but by our being obedient to praising, having faith and hope, the
Lord is able to do those works He longs to do, in our lives. If we take our
eyes off the Lord, and become consumed with our pain, we tend to not be
open to anything.

Therefore do not look to the left or to the right, but continue to look up.

Proverbs 4:25-27
25 Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you.
26 Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm.
27 Do not swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.

Unexpected to Survive - A Beginning

2006-01-03T13:15:00.000-03:30

I am reading Dietrich Bonhoeffer's "The Cost of Discipleship". (Haven't even made it to Chapter 1 yet, I'm only in the memoirs), but the story told of him, facing torture and pain, imprisonment and certain death, with love, grace, compassion for his fellow man and uncompromising faith in God, has already inspired me. He talks about us, (brothers and sisters in Christ, and in fellowship together), being the only example of relationship with Christ, to a fallen world...and I am moved to stop wasting time.

The things that have happened to me...happened. And as Job realized, God either allows these things to happen, or doesn't, so I too, know that God has His reasons. At the end of the day, it's not about me, or my 'pain', it's about God, and His plans and purpose, and the things He wants to accomplish through me. I have a strong desire to come to the aid of others and through Christ, be a tool used to alleviate suffering.

"When Christ calls a man", says Dietrich Bonhoeffer, "He bids him come and die." My role now, is to surrender my will, plans, dreams and expectations, and ask the Lord to reveal His. If I don't want to be stuck in the here and now, I need to seek out knowledge, always desire growth and be open to change. I need to become a ready and willing vessel for the Lord to use as He pleases; and He will make me able.

Still Kicking - Christmas Thoughts

2005-12-25T17:59:00.002-03:30

Today, I find myself among a group of people so diverse that sometimes
I wonder if the 'Clarica guy' makes house calls. (A translator might be a
good investment for us.)
But none the less, there is something that binds us together. It's not
obligation that's brought us together. It's not just the 'polite' thing to
do. We are a family that really loves eachother, for which I am very
grateful.
This has meant, (and still means today), that no matter where we are in
life, no matter our present trials, no matter our differences, or past,
present or future squabbles...there is acceptance. There is loyalty, a protectiveness, a safety net. This has been a soft place to fall. There are
friends here. People who love eachother inspite of whatever. We laugh
together, share, cry, even argue...but as the younger generation have
become adults and started those special relationships or gotten married,
when it's time to celebrate the important things, we all find a way to
make it back here and be together.
Today, there is a heaviness among us, as some of us are struggling
through our toughest trials yet. But there was a sense of relief this
morning, as we began to gather and there was a sense of peace that fell,
as Grampy prayed.
This an extremely tough and painful time for a lot of us, but I am so
grateful for our Lord and for the hope that we have through faith, and I
am truly blessed to have such a loving family.

Heavenly Father,
I just want to lift up people around the world, who are broken and
hurting, and I ask that You would just wrap Your arms around them,
that You would comfort them and give them peace. Lord, I lift up the
rejected and unloved to You and ask that You would reveal to them
their worth, in You. I lift up those who have not found You yet, and
pray that You would make Your presence real to them today. I pray
that they would come to know the hope that comes from knowing You.
Finally Lord, I thank You for those people You have placed in my life to
be examples of Your love and grace, and ask that You would just bless
them this Christmas and in the coming year, that no matter where they
find themselves, they would seek You there and that their relationship
and faith would just continue to grow and strenthen as they come to
know You more. Happy Birthday Lord!
And thank You for all that You have done and for all that You continue
to do.
Amen.

Merry Christmas all.

2005-12-20T20:40:00.003-03:30

ok...i feel low enough that i'm refusing to use proper punctuation or sit
and consider an appropriate title for this post, so let's just get to the
juice

i want to feel loved and be loved and know that i am it is by far, my
greatest desire/need

i want healthy relationships no more games, no manipulation, no
mud-slinging

i want honest, trustworthy 'cut the crap' friends people who don't
isolate in order to shy away from the truth, or "leave parts out"

i want someone to think i really am beautiful, both inside and
out...and treat me with respect whistling, honking, or staring at
my chest does not flatter or compliment me, it's actually kind of
disgusting and it really does make you feel like a piece of meat

i want people to see the good in me, instead of always
highlighting the bad The Word says God created me, which must
mean that there is some good here, it'd be nice for people to
recognize that instead of the crap

i want recognition for the positive changes i (with God, of course)
have made in my life it just doesn't seem worth the time or energy it
takes to 'better' yourself, if people are just going to continue to punish
you with your past

Unexpected To Survive - chapter...CRAP

2005-12-19T23:08:00.001-03:30

So for those of you who have hit rock bottom and then discovered that
there is a whole other bottom, when somehow the rock (or rug), is
pulled out from beneath your feet...HELP!

I have often stopped myself from saying, "How could this possibly get
any worse?", but for the last six months, that's exactly what I've been
thinking.

Yesterday...let's just say, it got worse. ALOT worse. The one area in
my life where I had seen real changes and improvement, shattered.
Turns out it was only me who had seen, or liked these changes.

I feel like I have been groping in the dark for a non-existent light
switch, and instead of finding one, I found deeper darkness.

The phrase "broken heart" just does not suffice. I'm not even sure that
mine is still functioning. Obviously, I am still breathing (and typing), so
physically it's attempting to do it's job, but emotionally...there are no
words.

I'm really angry at God right now. This is not an invite for flattery (so
please don't), but seriously, I would love to know why He made me...
this. Unlovable, disgusting, detestable. Why am I here?
In 24 years, what have I done to truly make a difference? What would
God have to say to me if I stood before Him tomorrow?

Why do I seem to have an abundance of love to give away, but none
of the right stuff to be loved?

If it sounds like I'm having a pity party...well, I kind of am. I had
something in my life that brought me joy and it has quickly been
snatched away from me. It's more than that though...I am physically
hurting in my heart...I ache...I have a large lump in my throat that
makes it difficult to swallow. This is beyond depression...this is
despair. It just isn't fair. I have been treading water for six months
and someone just shoved my head under.

It is fitting, possibly even humorous, that I have titled these entries
'Unexpected to Survive', and also shared, that I have lived with the
feeling that whatever happened next would be what killed me,
because here it is.

My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?

Psalm 91

2005-12-16T13:22:00.000-03:30

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High

will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and

my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."

Surely He will save you from the fowler's snare

and from the deadly pestilence.

He will cover you with His feathers,

and under His wings you will find refuge;

His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

You will not fear the terror of the night,

nor the arrow that flies by day,

nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,

nor the plague that destroys at midday.

A thousand may fall at your side,

ten thousand at your right hand,

but it will not come near you.

You will only observe with your eyes

and see the punishment of the wicked.

If you make the Most High your dwelling-

even the Lord, who is my refuge-

then no harm will befall you,

no disaster will come near your tent.

For He will command His angels concerning you

to guard you in all your ways;

they will lift you up in their hands,

so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;

you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

"Because he loves me," says the Lord,

"I will rescue him; I will protect him,

for he acknowledges my name.

He will call upon me, and I will answer him;

I will be with him in trouble,

I will deliver him and honor him.

With long life will I satisfy him

and show him my salvation."

Unexpected to Survive - Chapter 10

2005-12-15T14:58:00.005-03:30

Seriously, how backwards is our society?
You have to be 19 to legally drink, buy cigarettes and alcohol. You have
to be 18 to legally buy lottery tickets. And you have to get through
'graduated licensing', (which can take about 3 years), to drive a car.

But to have children...be responsible parents, there are no limits or laws.
You can be a crackhead and a prostitute...and still be a mommy. You can
be a convicted killer, rapist or pedophile...and still parent your child. Can
anyone else see that there is something extremely demented about this?

Why do we have a generation of teens coming up, who have no respect,
manners or principles? Why are there kids smoking up with their parents?
Why do parents consider it cool to experience their child's first big drunk
& puke? Why are their 9 year olds, walking home, alone, in the dark, with
an arm full of groceries? Why are there children and young teens on the
streets, with nowhere to go?

My heart is breaking for these kids. There is a sweet, young girl that I so
badly want to take home with me. She is polite, smart and pleasant. She
is sweet, helpful and sooo cute, and her mother has been randomly
kicking her out of her house since she was 10 or 11. Her mother throws
fits and tells her that she is a worthless piece of shit, who'll never amount
to anything. She kicked her out again last night, so I was giving her a ride
to a friend's place. As I was listening to her talk through her tears, I
noticed that she kept back-tracking by saying "it's ok though, I'm used to
it." Let your ears hear this. This is not something any young person
should be used to. An 11 year old girl should NOT know where all the
shelters are in her city.

I am fed up with this half-assed parenting crap. If you are planning on
having kids, first make sure you like kids...or any human interaction for
that matter. A welfare check is not a good reason to begin reproducing. If
you are a crackhead or a prostitute, DO NOT have kids. That means being responsible and protecting yourself, yeah sorry...effort involved. If you
already have kids and think they are badly behaved, rude little brats, you
need to have a look in the mirror. Kids learn from example. If you are
acting like a rude bad-ass, chances are, so will your child. It happens to
be your responsibility to teach them things like manners, gratefulness,
patience, etc. Research will back me up here; if you take a badly
behaved or troubled child/teen, and study his or her parents for a while,
the source will be evident.

I think that potential parents should have to pass an exam, like the SATS
or something similar, in order to be approved to parent. There should also
be an age restriction, like you have to be 22 or older to legally reproduce.
Any child born to a minor would automatically be placed with an approved
family, waiting to adopt.

Children need loving parenting. They need discipline. They need to learn
right from wrong. They need to have healthy, encouraging parents to
confirm their positive self-worth. They need nurturing and affection. They
need to feel secure and safe. They need their parents to protect them
from potentially harmful people or situations...NOT expose them to it. If
you are unable to provide any of these essential needs, then PLEASE, please...don't parent.

Yes, I was expected to whither and give up a long time ago, but because
my parents knew what it meant to really parent, I'm still here and kicking.

These girls and boys that you're treating like garbage and demeaning,
are treasures. God made them. And you're breaking them. It's time to
start repairing the damage we've done and stop this cycle here and now.
Protect the little ones. LOVE them. They are sooo special and sweet.
They deserve nothing less.

Heavenly Father,
I thank you for creating these abandoned children. We know it was not
Your desire that their lives look like this. We know You want the best for
them and that You weep with them. So Lord, I ask that You begin to
soften and break hearts all over the world, for these "worthless" kids. I
ask that we see them, as You see them. And I ask Lord that we will
desire to seek these kids out & love them, like You do. I pray we will do whatever we can to make a difference in someone's life. I pray that we
would all be a reflection of Your grace and mercy. Lord, I ask that You'd
just become very real to these children. That You would grant them peace
and be their comfort. I ask for a hedge of protection to be around each
one. I ask that You would bring people into their lives that will help them
and love them and not judge them. Amen.

Unexpected to Survive - Chapter 9

2005-12-14T13:43:00.003-03:30

VIEWER DISCRETION (Yes again)

I know some of you are thinking, man this girl has got a lot of anger,
(which is true), but there appears to be more than usual because
1) I've never had a way of venting it, before blogging.
2) Also, certain people are showing their nasty selves, which gives me a
reason to vent. This blog is directed at one man (and anyone who
identifies).

I think there are some really genuine, great guys out there. My husband
happens to be one of them, (Thank you, Lord) and my dad would be
another. I am blessed with an extended family, with some good guys and
there are others in my church 'family'. So if it seems like I've been quite
hard on men lately, it's not directed at all men...just a select view, who
are so obnoxiously selfish, that it would be wrong to be silent. So I vent
for my own health, and for those who are too hurt to be really pissed off.

Obvious Idiot,
(it's the only thing I could think of that's not really too mean, but still shows
my displeasure...I'm still really working on that 'guard at the door of my
mouth' thing, honest.)

I have no idea who you think you are kidding, but it isn't working. You
can act as 'free and uninhibited' as you like...you happen to really suck
at drama, so we're not in much danger. The truth is we know, you know.
We know you know God. We know you know the truth. We know you
believe it too. So the question here is, just what is it that you've done
to yourself so that you can sleep at night. I mean seriously, forget the
fact that you've done everything in your power to not only hurt,
embarrass and shame her...us...and your own family...cause eventually,
most of us will probably forgive you (and if we don't, it doesn't hurt you
any), the guy you should be worried about is God. Honestly, what could
you possibly say to Him, when you stand before Him on judgement day?!?

"Uh ya, so um...it looked like a lot of fun?!?"
"I really want to be sick too?!"
"But look at those clothes!!"

SIDE NOTE*: If you claimed insanity...or stupidity, you might have a chance,
cause God knows just how absolutely idiotic you are for doing this and
throwing away your life with her.

Wake up! It's too late for you here...(and don't EVER think about coming
back here, cause you'd be thee biggest, frigin fool!), but you can still
make things right with God.

Unexpected to Survive - Chapter 8

2005-12-13T16:54:00.004-03:30

I've been biting my tongue and swallowing screams all day. A good
indicator of a need for a blog fix. This journaling of my thoughts,
(although a little scary) seems to be a healthy tool for curbing my
tendency toward verbal diarrhea.

I feel somewhat targeted, maybe even manipulated by some, who
seem to continuously spill to me about those things that I feel
passionately about. I suspect that they are hoping for a 'han-reaction'.
(Yes, I also have the tendency to be somewhat dramatic). I am
however, resenting them for this. Contrary to popular opinion, I don't
like always being the one who says the tough stuff.

Back to the issue; if you consider that I am married, that I myself,
have endured some messed up relationships, that I am fiercely loyal
and protective of those I love, and then factor in where I work, it
would probably be obvious to you, that one of my passionate areas is, relationships.

I do not know, how people have become so blind to the total lack of
self-esteem in women, (or the utter disrespect toward them, from the
opposite sex). The romance...the magic...the fairy tales we all grew up
reading, do not exist. Even more discouraging is that I have noticed (in
my short lifetime) a decline in admiration. I don't know if that comes
with growing up...that you lose that wide-eyed, gaze of admiration/awe,
but it is definitely an endangered species. And you all have seen that l
ook...and I bet those of you who are honest, would admit that you
wished it would one day be directed at you.

So...even though I don't think any of the women (who I do love, but are
driving me crazy), will ever see this, I will say my truth here and now.

Women:

Suck it up. You need to be whole on your own. If you're not, and
you're looking for that from a male, what you will get is a 'whole mess'.
Any of you who are with a man, and there are some things that cause
you hurt and that you just can't live with, but you believe (or hope)
that they will change, or soften over time, they won't! If it hurts now,
it'll hurt 20 years from now. If he treats you like you're worthless, or
less than, or takes you for granted, lose him.
Don't settle. There is someone out there, who you will love just as much
or more, and who will love you back, with all his heart, and be faithful
and encouraging. He will not cause you shame or embarrassment. He
WILL treat you like you deserve. It is a lot easier to stop what is just
beginning, (or avoid starting it), than it is to repair a heart after it's been mishandled. If you don't like yourself very much, chances are neither does
he. If he does, but you keep pointing out all your flaws, one day he will
wake up and realize he agrees with you.

All those things, those 'desires of the flesh' that we wonder "why is this
even mentioned in the Bible? what harm can it do?"...whether it's getting
drunk or having sex outside of marriage, God KNEW what He was doing.
He loves you. He loves you enough to want the very best for you..."that
you may have joy in abundance". He set those perimeters because He
knew the chaos it would create if He didn't. Here, follow my tangent for
just a minute:

If there was no sex outside of marriage, what would life look like?...People
would have committed partners, which research shows, produces longer
and more satisfying lives. People would not be stealing other people's
dates, therefore eliminating much of the need to compare or compete with friends. There would be no cheating spouses, which obviously means less rejection, broken hearts, betrayals and probably murders. There would be
far less sickness, far less abortions, far less abandoned children, producing healthier members of society. And that's just scraping the surface, people!
Sex outside of marriage produces apathetic individuals; people who are
void of real connections and fearful people who don't know how to have
intimate relationships. It creates broken hearts and crushed dreams. It
desensitizes you. You begin to forget what that relationship you always
wanted, was supposed to look like. You begin to doubt that it's out there
and that you even deserve it.
And one day, if you find 'him', you will come in with a fragmented heart...
parts of it belonging to whoever you tossed it to, along the way. And you
risk that coming between you and 'him'. And you both have to deal with all
the 'hims' that you just can't let go of.
When God created woman, He said "it was very good". He made you to
reflect His beauty. You are special and chosen and dearly loved. You are
a small example of His radiant glory.
Why do you defile His creation?
Why don't you see the true reflection?
He died for you. He wants the best for you.
You need to shed all the crap the world has thrown at you about who you
are or aren't, or who you should be and you need to go back to the
source. You need to ask HIM, "Who am I?"

He WILL answer.
And then you need to go and live your life worthy of your calling.

Unexpected to Survive - Chapter 7

2005-12-12T10:41:00.000-03:30

An answer to my last post...
Survive. Hang on. Cry out.
It's all I know.
I've tried everything and although
my head says I'm crazy to trust,

God is all I've got.

I am weak.
He is strong.

I am broken.
He is the Healer.

I am lost.
He is my Shepherd.

I fall.
He picks me up.

I cry out.
He will be my comfort.

I need counsel.
He is THEE Counselor.

I feel unlovable.
He loves me more
than anyone ever could.

I feel worthless.
He chose to die for me.

I feel ugly.
He created me in my mother's womb.

I need understanding.
He became human in
order to understand.

I feel alone.
He will never leave me nor forsake me.

The Lord is my Shepherd,
I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for His name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
Your rod and Your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You annoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love
will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever (and ever and ever).

Psalm 23

Unexpected to Survive - Chapter 6

2005-12-08T18:43:00.003-03:30

What now?

I received a phone call today. She called to tell me it's over. She spoke
with professionals, read something and concluded that I don't have a
chance. It's just not possible.

I think I'm going to be sick.

It's not so much that they won't do anything...I'm used to not getting
what I need (or want). It's that they have decided that logically, it just
didn't happen.

It sucks to be rejected. It hurts when you aren't validated. It's lonely
when you're not included.

But when you discover that the boogie man in your closet, or under your
bed is real; that all the darkness that you felt but tried to hide is
honestly a part of you; when the picket fences are torn down and you
can no longer look through 24 years of life, captured through photos,
without feeling nausea, anger or grief; yet even still, you cling to all the
God-given strength and walk through those doors, and tell the truth...
and you hear "It just isn't possible, it couldn't logically have happened"
...there is something terrifying, that rises up in you.

Something that combines grief, loneliness, rage, fear, desperation,
disappointment, shame.

Something that stares back at you in the mirror, through the dark
circles under your eyes. Something you can feel crawling in your skin,
rotting in your stomach. It leaves a horrible taste in your mouth.

I know there are a lot of other people who have gone through this, so
please understand, I feel for them as well. And while I sit silently at my
desk, all the while screaming "WHY?" and "it's just not worth it", in my
head, I'll be screaming for them as well.

I AM happy, that God can bring good out of anything. I really am. I am
happy that we can learn to empathize and intercede for people, through
tests and trials. I'm happy that whatever doesn't kill us, will make us
stronger.

But come on...I believe I would have been empathetic anyway. (You said,
when I was born, that God had stamped "sweet" on my forehead). And I
could have learned from less life-crippling (devastating) means. And I
hate it!...when people say it'll make me stronger. SCREW IT! At this
point, I'd rather be dead.

***Cherished & Loved Ones: i am relatively ok. this is true venting (not plotting).

Unexpected To Survive - Chapter 5

2005-12-07T13:27:00.002-03:30

You will not leave us, nor forsake us.
You love us more than any human ever could.
You created us, You chose us. You died for us.

Why are we raped?
Why are we tortured?
Why are we murdered?
Why are we starving?

To the answer "men have free will", I grit my teeth and choking on the

scream close to escaping, I ask:

Where is the will of the 2 year old, being sexually abused?
Where is the will of the baby, left on the side of the road?
Where is the will of the thousands of young kids being sold as sex slaves?
Where is the will of the thousands of babies dying from starvation?

I despise this answer. I despise ALL answers. Nothing comes close to

being good enough.

I feel like my heart is tearing from the inside. The beat is irregular and

inadequate. The sob is lodged in my throat. There is a nervousness in my

chest, that makes it difficult to breathe.

I want to praise You. I open my mouth, but can only gasp.
I want to lift up my hands, but they cover my ears.
I want to thank You. I want to love You.

But my head, my heart...don't understand.
How could you watch?
Where was that hedge of protection when I really needed it?
How can I trust in the safety that was absent?
How does this fit into the definition of love?
Where do I go if I do not have You?

I want it to end. I want it over.
I wish it never happened.
I keep seeing it. It haunts me.
I wake up sweaty and screaming.
I'm afraid. And I hate that.
I feel exposed...wide open.
I seem to be an easy target.

You're right. I do have a "Don't mess with me, (or my family), or I'll kick

your ass" edge. It comes from this. That I was never safe. That there was

no one there to protect us. No one saved us. No one stopped it. What do

you expect? The sweetness...you saw it at birth...can't survive. It's weak.
And the weak would still be victims.

We are the broken, You are the Healer
Jesus Redeemer, mighty to save
You are the love song, we'll sing forever
Bowing before You, blessing Your name
Artist: Lynn DeShazo and Gary Sadler

Unexpected To Survive - Chapter 4

2005-12-05T13:56:00.001-03:30

Is it better to be cheery than real? Should you always have a pleasant
smile in order to keep those around you comfy?

People don't like to be uncomfortable. I don't like to be uncomfortable.
Therefore the facade. Hey people, apparently, I can hide things. Those
of you who have reprimanded me for wearing my feelings on my sleeve,
those of you who say my facial expressions give it away, (tell the story
even when I refuse to), it took 17 years before anyone knew me...and
that was only because I gave up...I totally and completely did NOT
care who saw me in that state anymore.

I hid because I didn't like the way I felt. I didn't like being depressed...
lonely...sad...hurt...insecure...unsafe...angry...betrayed...alone...ugly...
fat...sick...scared...pathetic...ETC. I broke the mirror in my room &
removed the one from my bathroom so I could successfully hide from
myself. I drank or took whatever I could get my hands on, so that I
could be the 'life' of the party; hyper, fun-seeking girl. I couldn't handle
me, I certainly knew it was not ok for anyone else to ever see me.

So...here I am. I have done everything I always said I never would and
I am now trying to scrape up the pieces that remain of me and let God
make it into a life pleasing to Him. In order to be real in front of Him
and in front of the mirror, I feel like I need to say these two words out
loud.

"Life sucks."

I know God loves me and will take my mess and use it for His glory and
for that I am hopeful. I just pray that my wounds heal; before becoming
infected.

Unexpected To Survive - Chapter 3

2005-11-29T16:25:00.000-03:30

it was said that physical ailments were probably due to stress
my body was trying to flush out the dark thing
it was screaming for my attention
screaming for release

all those years
i frequently fought the urge to scream
overwhelmed by the pungent stench of my emotions
everything was about survival
everything was about death
i tried to kill it
holding pillows over my ears
i tried to muffle it, to silence it
i went across the ocean
it stalked me there too
i lived with it; took it to bed with me
it was the first thing i felt in the morning
it was the last thing i felt at night
it consumed my dreams
distorted my thoughts

a young lady, properly dressed
with braided hair
singing old hymns from the back row
smiling at the 'family' who really did care

i knew if it escaped
it would kill all
i knew what a mess i would make
one look in the mirror and she disappeared
smiling girl faded
gave way to darkness

i was desperate
i knew i couldn't hold it in much longer
i didn't understand
i didn't know
it was just too big
too much

i tried to kill it
i wanted to save you
i'm so sorry
and i love you

Choking On A Crapped On Life

2005-11-28T12:00:00.000-03:30

I've just finished a weeks vacation and have returned to work. It was a
good week for tying up some loose ends and running errands. I touched
up some of the trim paint in our house, which seemed to bring it back to
life. I spent quite a lot of time trying to think. I say 'trying' because it
has been an uphill battle all week.
For some reason that I haven't yet discovered, every time I start trying
to deal...do some business with God, I choke. I don't mean I freeze...I
literally choke. I feel the fear, my back begins to crawl and I am keenly
aware of the panic rising in my throat, until it gets so thick that I can't
breathe. Last night, my poor husband had just laid down on the couch
and begun to relax and his loopy wife made him get up and check
outside the front window because the words "he's here." flashed in my
head and I was frozen with panic. I also dragged him outside with me...
I was just too frightened to go alone. The thing that ticks me off is, only
now do I realize the kind of power this fear has had over my life. I tried
to pray last night, I tried to reason my way out of it and it wasn't until
my hubby hugged me that the fear started to fizzle. Why have I never
felt safe? Why am I such a target?
I am soooo angry with the police. I filed a report back in July and only
after they had me on tape did they inform me that there wasn't anything
they could do. But they called this person that I had reported anyway.
Now I'm left wondering whether anyone's going to come after me...what
must they be thinking?
And the police...they're the worlds way of being safe right? 'To serve and
protect'. So why the HELL did they tell this person, if they already knew
that nothing could be done. "Hey look, here's this girl who has been
living her entire life in fear and denial, and she mustered up enough
whatever...to drag her sorry ass in here and try to do the right thing by
filing a report...so lets see just what kind of fear and tension her body
can really handle by making her a bulls eye. A moving target, how fun!"
How long will I be sitting here waiting...wondering. Ok, I have known
these people my entire life. I know this isn't over. I wish I could speed
up the process somehow. Funny how none of it's "my fault", yet I'm here, anxious...waiting to 'face the music'.
We live in one 'f-d' up world. I don't know if I can handle anymore of this.

Unexpected to Survive - Chapter 2

2005-11-17T16:00:00.001-03:30

This is where I usually turn back.
The part of the story...or life, where I get physically sick.
The point at which I not only experience emotional anxiety, but my
body begins to physically manifest the 'stress signs'.
For those of you who know me well enough to have witnessed this, sorry.
This happens any number of ways and for any number of reasons.
Usually, I begin blushing...cheeks and ears, and almost simultaneously
break out with red blotches...hives on my chest and neck. This is the
instant reaction to being hurt, angry, nervous, and embarrassed.
Things that are downright scary make my entire body hurt from tension...
usually visible by the clenched teeth, exema on my arms and hands, and
my stomach is almost always nautious.
Long term stress can (and in my case I'm sure it has), wreak havoc on a
body. For all those times when the doctors/nurses have said "you're too
young for this" and "I don't know what's causing it"...starting as early as
I can remember I have been plagued with; the flu, ear infections,
migraine headaches, strep throat, laringitis, mononucleosis, asthma,
bleeding ulcers, ovarion cysts, endometriosis, dysmennorhia, bladder
infections and fibromayalgia.
And that doesn't come close to the damage I've brought on myself or the
amount of 'head/heart' trauma that I've sustained.
But once again, I am happy with the fact that in my 24th year, I have
realized a problem area...a pattern.
It is at this point, that I give up. Turn back. Shy away.
Not this time.
Whatever it is that is so shameful, embarrassing, and hideous that I
become physically sick and shut down, is going to have to come out in
order for me to I move past this and although I'd like to stay 'safe'...
I never really have been, so why not at least be healthy??
Stay tuned...you're watching a girl fight everything that seems natural.
It could get ugly. REALLY ugly.

Unexpected to Survive - Chapter 1

2005-11-16T12:30:00.000-03:30

My full name means 'Grace Christian'.
(Do you think Satan targeted me because of my name?)
I have lived with a strange sensation since my earliest memory.
The knowledge that whatever happened next would be what killed me.
Understanding that I would not be able to handle 'it'
and that 'it' would be the end of me.
I have always had the sensation, I just never identified it.
My 24th year for some reason is very significant.
It has been the year of discovery.
A year of turmoil and pain.
A year of realizing that all the things I believed were...weren't.
That the things that I didn't think were...actually were.
That the nightmares that were my 'bad dreams'...were my reality.
And that I not only had a guardian angel, but am surrounded with an
army of Heavenly warriors that have been doing battle for me, since
the day of conception.
My birthday has become meaningful.
Instead of "woo-hoo new pjs"...it's,
"Thank you God for keeping me alive last year.
I pray that my purpose for still being here will be fulfilled.
That everyday I will become more of the person You created me to be.
That I will continue to hunger and thirst for You.
That I will know You more intimately."
It is time to say "Screw you" to Satan...and walk.
Really walk.
I have been paralyzed by fear my entire life.
And I am tired of being scared.
I should have been dead years ago.
But I'm here.
So if it was going to happen, it would have.
It's time to break free.

Coming Soon...

2005-11-14T15:55:00.000-03:30

"Unexpected to Survive"

A true story about a girl growing up, always with the expectation that whatever came next would be the end of her...and how she survives!

Oh, What A Night!

2005-11-14T11:50:00.001-03:30

On Friday, I went out! This is big news as most of the people I hang
out with live 5 hours away and my good friend here...well, let's just say
when we got to the fork in the road, she went left and I went right.
Anyway, God has provided me with an amazing friend...and man is He
using her in my life right now. (Sorry friend, this isn't meant to be
gushing but you can not possibly understand what you have done for me
these past few weeks. Thank you for being willing to be used as an
instrument of healing in my life).
So...Friday we went to the Freeway Cafe in Hamilton (333 King St., check
it out!). It was a wonderful experience. The place is so warm and
inviting...it's painted rich colours, they have leather couches and thee
BEST coffee I have ever had (and I've had my share, believe me!) The
people were friendly and welcoming...it was a very soothing and
comfortable place to be. So Fridays, they have live music there and that
night it was a man by the name of Drew Brown. My friend summed it up
so eloquently... "You know those moments that you just want to last
forever? Well, I want this music to be the soundtrack of my life. I think
that everywhere I go, this music should follow me."
This guy's voice was amazing! (He also played guitar), but his voice! He
had such an incredible range and so much control...it was 'close your
eyes and soak it in' good. And he had two other guys with him...drummer
and guitarist and each one stood out. Like these guys are talented ok.
The drummer was playing normal acoustic drums as well as the bongo
and the guitarist...you could just watch him for ever...his whole body
relaxed, eyes closed, but his fingers were flying...it was so intricate yet
it hardly seemed like it was any effort at all. These guys were having
fun...they were extremely talented, they were using their God-given gifts
and they were totally enjoying every minute of it. It was a beautiful thing!
So I got through a good chunk of the evening and then I just sort of
started to unravel. I shed some tears, I had some revelations and I
learned some things (which I'll share a little later). But the best part of
that night was that, ya I was sad...but I came out of it and was left with
a refreshed, 'man that was good' kind of feeling. It was exactly what I
didn't know, but God knew, I needed. I was severely blessed by
everything that evening and am very thankful.
On that note, I think I'll leave you with just a couple of lines from one of
their songs that they did...by the way, this guy will be back there
sometime in December, and they're also releasing a cd next month. So
check it out!

"You ask me to die to myself
Who knew dying could be so beautiful?
I die for you"

Are You Strong Enough To Be A Man

2005-11-11T17:15:00.005-03:30

I have to confess that often when my two teeange step-sons are
goofing around, I wonder how their future girlfriends /wives are going
to survive. I mean they are sweet, good-looking guys, ok. They
are thoughtful. They are sensitive. They're encouraging and
affectionate. But...they can't cook, clean...they leave everything out,
open, undone and unlocked. They're lacking in manners and etiquette.
They have a screwy concept of what a woman is or should be. They
have a messed up world-view. They think things that are tragic or
horrible, are funny. They both have really good hearts, it's just that
they've been so mishandled, misguided and wounded, that they really
DON'T know any better.

So what is with men now a days? I'm married. My husband can be the
greatest guy in the world, but often I am left wondering who kidnapped
him. My sister, (who is a GRE~AT catch!), is currently separated from
her husband. Although he can be very sensitive and intuitive, he too,
often disappears. I have a friend...she is one of the most intelligent,
funny, beautiful, generous, God-loving, light-up-the-room with her
laugh, encouraging, understanding women, that I have ever met. Yet
she's single. All three of us, though at various stages with regards to
the opposite sex, have one thing in common. It really is hard to find a
good man these days.

There are far too many screwed-up men raising screwed-up sons, who
will also continue the cycle. Men today scoff at holding a door open for
a woman, helping her with her coat, even walking beside her, let alone
actually holding her hand and walking her home. And whatever feminist
is about to get all twitterpated (yes, that's a word)...screw off! I work.
And I don't think a women should be barefoot and pregnant, while
chained to the stove. But I would like to believe I was special enough
to the man in my life, to be treated in this manner. I want flowers.
And what about the important things?
The "honorable" thing to do when you got a girl pregnant was marry her!
How many guys nowadays even stick around? I know a 16 year old girl
who had sex with a 26 year old cop. He disappered afterwards and she
discovered she was pregnant. (You will also notice that the cop slept
with a minor...?)
God says that the man should be the spiritual head of the household,
but because we have such screwed-up men having been raised by
screwed-up fathers, they associate their earthly father with their
Heavenly Father and are completely turned off of God. Obviously this is
just my viewpoint and one currently tainted by anger and hurt, so please
take it with a grain of salt. But if there are any men reading this who are
raising little men, please! Break the cycle. Teach them respect. Teach
them honesty. Show them affection. Do something different!

Cat-calls and "hey, how u doin'?" seriously is neither flattering or a turn-
on. Staring at my boobs while I try to have a conversation with you does
2 things. One, I feel d*i*s*g*u*s*t*i*n*g* and two, I have an
overwhelming urge to kick you where it counts. Hey, that's just me, giving
it to you straight. If you can't handle it, then you're NOT a strong man. If
you are one of the many "gotta have it, life's sll about me, adore me, I
want what I want, when I want it and I squash everything in my path in
order to get it, don't come too close cuz I'll stomp on your heart" kind of
guys...I have a few choice words I'd like to say to you personally. I really
hope none of you have the misfortune of dating anyone I know. If you are
one of the few exceptions, we appreciate you, we miss you and I have a
few gorgeous, single friends who would like to meet you.

If you want to read my rant on women, go back a few weeks in the
archives. Hey, at least I have problems with everyone equally.

Encounter of the Godly Kind

2005-11-09T10:30:00.000-03:30

I'm on my way home from work.
I have been crying out to God...in anger.
Frustration.
Hopelessness.
His answer was in the sky.
It was breath-taking.
Like I was watching Him paint.
"Thank you God. I get it. You love me."
"Pull over."
"What?"
"Pull over. You've been existing on drive-by prayers. You wave hello
and smile as you drive past. I want you to stop...sit...and soak in my presence...soak in my love."
I pulled off the highway and watched as the sky got brighter and more
colourful by the minute. The clouds were stretched and swirled through
the colours. It was bright yellow and orange in the centre and purple
with red streaking through it to the left and soft violet and green on
the right and navy blue and purple along the top. I began to cry.
"Lord I know you love me. But I don't know why you leave me here.
Why is my life so painful? Why can't I be healthy...happy...even for 1
day. Why do you say you will not forsake me but never put an end to
the chaos. Why do you let us love one another so badly? Why do the
people who are supposed to be loving, supporting and encouraging
me...hurt me so badly?!"
"You're not supposed to look to them. You're supposed to come to Me.
You're supposed to let Me love you."

The Tables Have Turned

2005-11-07T12:30:00.001-03:30

Growing up in a house where the female to male ratio was 4 - 1, and
now being outnumbered 3 - 1, has seriously made my head spin. I
think I'm getting more "girly" living with 3 guys...like I alone, have a responsibility to uphold and protect femininity.
Growing up, I was the one wearing baggy pants, starting burping
contests, trying to gross out my mom and sisters, so my dad would
be proud. And as I'm typing this I am struck with the realization that
somehow I felt responsible to sort of 'balance' the estrogen/
testosterone levels...my mom and elder sister were very girly, my
younger sister was a tomboy...into sports, fishing, baseball...like my
dad, which left me, unsure of where I fit in.
My husband and sister had a conversation about this a couple of
months ago. It started because my sis wanted my hubby to
acknowledgde that she could be 'scary'...(which was met by hysterical
laughter from him)...he said she was all girly and that I'm...? "girly or
doin' stuff," which I guess means I'm still wavering on the fence.
Anyway, all I know is that now that the tables have turned, I am
seriously longing for some extra estrogen in my house. I mean come
on! If I had gotten up Sunday morning and said to my mom or my
sisters (or even my dad who has apparently been conditioned to the
appropriate responses)..."I had a dream last night that someone told
me I'd look chunky if I cut my hair"...the response would have been
something empathetic and encouraging, to help bring me out of my
morning funk.
Instead, the response I got, was "well, you would." me > "what?!?"
him > "long, straight hair, down the side of your face makes you look thinner...right?...doesn't it?...maybe...you know like on tv, you look
like you gained 10 pounds, even though you didn't really..........hun?"
me > "I should write a book!"
I then picked up the phone, stomped outside and called my sister
who was appropriately sympathetic before bursting into laughter.
Such is life.

Tangent...Musings

2005-11-04T15:00:00.023-03:30

Is it better to know or be?
Is there more perfume to the air, or more colours in the sky, if you
know the latin names of plants.
I have a point.

Lately, I have been a part of (and by part of, I mean 'listening to, and
not really having a clue what is actually being discussed, but nodding
my head in such a manner that the people discussing believe that I am
validating and pensively considering their views) discussions about
topics I can't even pronounce, let alone comprehend. Had I been in a
safe environment I likely would have admitted my ignorance and
requested an explanation, but this was not the case. As I tried to
inconspicuously exit the room, I wondered if I was missing out on
anything. I often feel out of the loop when people begin discussing
things like theology, history, sociology...etc. I chose to focus on life...
and people. Text books, documentaries were not even on my radar
screen.

As I reflect back, I realize that during the early grades 'K through 9', I
aced everything. I did extra work assignments. I was always among
the top 3 in my class, top 10 in my grade. I won awards, was on the
honor role, got scholarships. And I was still very well liked...part of
the popular group...a fun girl to be around...life of the party. So it
wasn't my peers or lack of acceptance that brought about the complete
180 I did, during the summer between 9th and 10th, as was assumed.
It was my own lack of faith, my fear...my knowing I was already a
failure and that if doing the best didn't take that away, than nothing
would. This was a defining moment in my history. This epiphany brought
about the life I lived for the next 7 years. I decided to stop trying to
change and just accept that was a part of me.

I was a floater...I did just enough in highschool to get by, I took the
bird courses, I bargained for my grades, I came to school already tanked
and left quite the same way. I skipped classes. I was flippant with
teachers I had no respect for (yes, there it is again). I was never
without a boyfriend. I went to all the biggest parties. I still went to youth
groups and church and camps. I lived 2 lives. I shut out the people who
truly loved and cared for me. I didn't allow anyone close enough to ever
have them figure it out and my 2 worlds didn't meet until I was 17. It
was an ugly meeting, one that should have brought about a radical
change, but I just got better at hiding. I worked so hard on holding it all
in and not letting myself hurt, that I eventually completely lost touch with
who I was. It all came to head in a severe meltdown from which God was
finally able to get my attention and begin to heal the broken areas of my
heart and my life, which has been rather an unpleasant process. However,
the more I recognize how trapped I was, the more intense the longing
becomes to know who I was created to be and what God created me to experience and be a part of.

All this because I felt stupid during that conversation! I just wonder, am
I the only one who has a "to-do" list that looks like this, or am I so
severely lost that I have 2 or 3 lists to get through before mine begins
to look like other people's?

1) Find lasting intimacy and peace with God.
2) Discover and be branded with "Who I am in Him".
3) Become more familiar with the Bible.
4) Work on developing my spiritual gifts.
5) Become smarter.
6) Learn how to be motivated in the face of fear.
7) Learn how to cope...deal.
8) Learn how to cry (and sew and knit :))

Ok...so I think I accurately titled this one. Thanks for hanging in there
with me folks! :)

The World Needs to See This

2005-11-03T15:30:00.001-03:30

A picture began circulating in November. It should be "The Picture of
the Year," or perhaps, "Picture of the Decade." It won't be. In fact,
unless you obtained a copy of the US paper which published it, you
probably would never have seen it.

The picture is that of a 21-week-old unborn baby named Samuel
Alexander Armas, who is being operated on by surgeon named Joseph
Bruner. The baby was diagnosed with spina bifida and would not
survive if removed from his mother's womb. Little Samuel's mother,
Julie Armas, is an obstetrics nurse in Atlanta. She knew of Dr. Bruner's remarkable surgical procedure. Practicing at Vanderbilt University
Medical Center in Nashville, he performs these special operations
while the baby is still in the womb.

During the procedure, the doctor removes the uterus via C-section and makes a small incision to operate on the baby. As Dr. Bruner completed the surgery on Samuel, the little guy reached his tiny, but fully developed hand through the incision and firmly grasped the surgeon's finger. Dr. Bruner was reported as saying that when his finger was grasped, it was the most emotional moment of his life, and that for an instant during the procedure he was just frozen, totally immobile.

The photograph captures this amazing event with perfect clarity. The editors titled the picture, "Hand of Hope." The text explaining the picture begins, "The tiny hand of 21-week-old fetus Samuel Alexander Armas emerges from the mother's uterus to grasp the finger of Dr. Joseph Bruner as if thanking the doctor for the gift of life." Little Samuel's mother said they "wept for days" when they saw the picture. She said, "The photo reminds us pregnancy isn't about disability or an illness, it's about a little person." Samuel was born in perfect health, the operation 100 percent successful.

*Disclaimer: This is a story being passed around. I am not sure of the accuracy in reporting. The story boggles the mind and if it makes anyone think more about the preciousness of human life, or points them toward the majesty that is God, it was worth posting.

Lighter...Like Fluff

2005-11-01T15:30:00.003-03:30

Wonder of wonders...I don't feel nearly as low today. It's amazing how
the little things can throw you or pick you up...a quick phone call from a
friend to say she'd love to teach you how to sew/knit...a friend who
cares enough to post an appropriate (stunning) photo in your blog title.
I am counting my blessings. So, something like fluff (a lot lighter) to
reflect the clouds breaking in my mood. I borrowed (stole) this off a
friend's blog.

FIRSTS.
First best friend: Jen Wales (kindergarten)
First car: Dodge Spirit
First real kiss: Grade 9
First break-up: Grade 9
First pet: Sampson (cat)
First piercing: None
First tattoo: right ankle, dolphin/killer whale...a sort of ying yang
First enemy: Jake...tried to kiss me in Grade 2, I had to sit in the hall
during lunch, with my nose against the wall because I RAN away from
him!

LASTS.
Last kiss: Hubby when I got home from work last night.
Last good cry: Too long ago, working on it though
Last book: "The Stronghold of God"
Last movie seen: Mr. Deeds
Last beverage drank: Cafe Mocha
Last food consumed: Bagel & Cream Cheese
Last CD played: Audioslave
Last item bought: guitar strings
Last time scolded: Friday night...my husband, for driving too fast
and running over my neighbours rain gutter
Last website visited: "LoveBarbara"

FUTURE.
Where do you want to go?: Ireland, England, Italy, Paris, Greece,
New Zealand, Aruba
What is your career going to be?: I'm sure I'll have a few...couple of
home-based ones...my camp for troubled youth
Where are you going to live?: Wherever we're called (please not Iraq)
What kind of car(s)?: dream world...Dodge Viper, or a Porshe 9-11
Turbo wide-body, real world...I like mine now...Honda Civic SI

CURRENT.
Current mood: Tired
Current music: "When I Fall" Rachel Lampa
Current longing: Peace
Current desktop picture: Dirt road surrounded by autumn trees &
covered in autumn leaves
Current favourite artist: Alter Bridge
Current book(s): And The Angels Were Silent
Current color of toenails: chipped aqua
I may seem: Snotty...apparently??
In the morning I: groan
Love is: God...painting magnificent skies...People, bringing out the
best in eachother
I’m afraid of: being alone, messes
What song do you swear was written about you or your life: Wasted Years
What’s the most embarrassing cd you own: Jon Bon Jovi
What’s the best cd you own: OLP

FAVOURITES
Colors: black, blue
Food: roast beef
Show: Gilmore Girls, Extreme Makover Home
Animal: cat
Movie: Empire Records, 12 Monkeys
Actor: Bruce Willis
Actress: Julia Stiles, Claire Danes, Julia Roberts
Drink: chocolate milk, coke
Pizza topping: extra extra EXTRA cheese!!!
Card Game: Texas Hold'em
Video game: Diablo
Book: Hero of Lesser Causes, Waking The Dead
Cereal: Honey Nut Cheerios, Harvest Crunch
Comedian: Chris Farley
Magazine: Style at Home, anything about architecture or
interior design, or organizing
Season: SUMMER

HAVE YOU EVER?
Mooned anyone: yes, sorry L!
Done anything past first base? I'm married (phew)
Swear at a teacher: I was the sweetest girl...
Got in a fight: Yes
Dated a teacher: Ewww
Laughed so hard you peed your pants: Again, ewww
Been in a mosh pit: Was traumatized!
Been to a concert: How can you be in a mosh pit if you're not at a concert?
Dated one of your best friends: Married him..(awww)
Loved someone so much it made you cry: Yes
Deceived somebody close to you: Hope not
Broken the law: :((
Got to ride on a firetruck: No...ambulance a bunch of times though
Smoked: yep
Done drugs: yep
Been arrested: nope
Had your tonsils removed: nope
Gone to camp: oh ya

I Know

2005-10-31T17:30:00.000-03:30

When I'm walking through the valley
Of the darkest hour I've known
Lord, don't You leave me all alone
When I'm surrounded by the shadows
That seem to feed my fear
I will trust you Lord
I may not feel You here

But I know, that Your love is unfailing
Lord I know, Your grace is so amazing
Lord I know, even though my faith be shaken
Oh I still know, I'll never be forsaken
You're always faithful, I know

When my bed has been floating
On the flood of all my tears
It seems as though my joy has disappeared
Still I will not put my hope
In what I feel or see
I will cling to You
And trust, You're holding me

Cause I know, that Your love is unfailing
Oh Lord I know, Your grace is so amazing
Oh Lord I know, even though my faith be shaken
Oh I still know, I'll never be forsaken
Cause You're always faithful, I know

I worship You, I look to You
I trust You with my life
I worship You, I look to You
Come lift my head up high

Lord I don't know where I'm walking
But I'll take it day by day
And I'll hold Your hand and You will lead the way

And I know, that Your love is unfailing
Oh Lord I know, Your grace is so amazing
Oh Lord, I know even though my faith be shaken
Oh I still know, I'll never be forsaken
Cause You're always faithful
I know

Darryl Evans

To Be or Not To Be

2005-10-31T15:00:00.005-03:30

After my last few posts, some people (whom I deeply respect) have
suggested that my struggles might actually be clinical depression. A few
things immediately come to mind.

First, if that were the case, I imagine that somewhere within the last 9
years of consuming different anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety pills that something would have helped. I mean, some did make a difference, for a
time, but then things would return and once I reached the maximum dose,
and discovered that these feelings/ problems still existed, they would
inevitably try a different drug. (This by the way is a WONDERFUL thing
when you live with someone who thinks drugs are bad and refuses to take anything...for any reason. Please note the hint of sarcasm.) None the less,
after almost a decade of trying the 'newest happy' pills, I am still in this
place. And yes...while being drugged to the gills all those years, I also
spent what seems to be a lifetime, with different therapists, shrinks, psychologists, doctors, (some Christian, some not) as well as attending
programs. Now granted, they as well as myself, were missing a large
chunk of the puzzle, which 'happily' returned to memory near the middle
of this, my 24th year. This revelation has brought with it a lot of insight
and understanding as to why my life has been what it's been.

I believe that this is enough to throw anybody down the 'dark tunnel of despair'...however, my despair is reaching uncomfortable depths...to
which I have posted. So...all this to say, you could be right. But at this
point, I'm not sure if I haven't already exhausted all the possible
avenues of help.

I am hopeful to report that after an evening of chatting and relaxing with
a good friend this weekend, that I have felt much lighter. So good friend...
I shall return! :)
Thank you all for your concern and your input. Please continue to keep me
in your prayers as I have not yet reached the end of this tunnel...and
thank you Erin for shining a little light in there with me.

Losing at Surviving

2005-10-28T16:30:00.002-02:30

Well, after a number of conversations yesterday, two things are very
clear to me.

1. There are a lot of people , who are in a lot of pain right now, and I
seem to be the only one who can't let it out.

2. Although we all know God is doing, or will do something in the midst
of this, there is a large part of us that is screaming 'why?!' and a small
part of us that is tired and tempted to give up.

It is so hard to feel effective or useful in any way when you're having
this much trouble just trying to stay composed. It is also really hard to
sit still and listen, let alone hear God when you're engulfed in sadness.

So many things are factors here and my brain at the moment feels too
fried for any in-depth analysis as to why I can't pull myself out of this.

Being around 'unsafe' people is more than just uncomfortable now, it's
exhausting. There is no energy for pretending and even less patience
for probing questions and finding ways out. Playing guitar, listening to
music, reading, sorting photos, napping...all my tools for distracting,
comforting and 'taking care of' me, are irritating and frustrating. Doing
normal everyday chores seems like a 10 000 km marathon, that I will
never reach the end of. I am tired. I am sad. I feel alone and
inadequate. And I dislike myself for feeling like this again, (still?) and
for not being able to drag my sorry ass out of it. I am tired of feeling
like a burden and I hate that I've felt like that all my life. I am tired
of feeling unlovable and unworthy. I am PISSED at the amount of time
that the enemy has tormented me and I am sick of it all.
This is survival at it's lowest.

Missing Something

2005-10-27T16:45:00.002-02:30

You know how people talk about "God being able to fill that hole in your
life and Him being the only thing that will actually fill it"? Well, they're
wrong or I'm missing something.

I'm a Christian. I love Jesus. I pray. I sincerely worship. I hunger to get
closer and learn more. But I have a hole. And it feels like it's tearing
and bleeding.

I don't know how to get rid of it. I've asked God to heal it. I've had other
people pray with me. I've talked about it. I've drugged it. Nothing seems
to work. And the problem is that it seems to be getting bigger. I can be
laughing at a joke and suddenly feel my eyes well up. I am so so so tired.
And the ache, the sadness...it's starting to consume me.

Conviction

2005-10-24T16:00:00.005-02:30

Ok. So I don't respect people who I deem undeserving. Truth. People in
authority for instance. If they abuse their power, or are consistently
unfair, (or hypocrites), than I look at them with disdain. I treat them as
less. I do what they say because I have to, not because I believe there
is any value or worth in it. I have a really hard time loving the 'unlovable'.
And here's the epiphany...I have been called to 'radically love'. It was
prayed over me about a year ago, (before I ever met these people) and
I was instructed to clothe myself in radical love every morning as I put
on the armor of God. I was told that God was beginning to prepare me.

Yesterday, the Pastor spoke about humility. Of course, when I heard the
topic of his sermon, immediately I responded with "well, at least I don't
have a problem with that!" Take it from me...do NOT say that. The Pastor
talked about treating other people as though they were better than
yourself. And my heart sank.

I have been hurt. Betrayed. And because of it, I am polite, pleasant and
brief when speaking to those people involved. But the Lord calls us to
higher places. We're supposed to be "loving our enemies and praying for
those who persecute us" and I'm choking on a cheery morning greeting?!
Jesus hung, on a cross, between two thieves, and while people jeered
and spat on Him, He prayed for them.

Can I get a resounding and emphatic "Amen" that God is full of mercy and
grace, just for us? And that He loves us and is happy when we have these
wake-up calls and even happier, when we do something with them.

So Lord, I ask that you would help all of us, to love people with Your heart
and see people with Your eyes and have the kind of patience, forgiveness
and grace with others, as You have had with us.

part 2 of Viewer Discretion

2005-10-21T16:57:00.005-02:30

After having that rolling around inside me for about a week, it was
go~ood therapy to just get it out. Sorry about the explicits. Even I was
kind of surprised at how angry I actually was. I am finding it really hard to
not become jaded or bitter with this life. As women, we have such a
tendency to be 'catty *itches' and men have a real tendency to be pigs. I
only need to flip through a few radio stations in the morning to have
examples of both.
Who did God create us to be? We are definitely better at showing our
'fallen' attributes, but what about the image God wanted us to show? The likeness that we are supposed to reflect. I think women have suffered
some fatal blows to the heart of who we are supposed to be (men too,
but a man should be the one to explain that). God created us to be
feminine. How that became like a four letter word for some of us, is a
whole different blog. But His intention was that we would be loving,
nurturing, caring, sensitive, mysterious, alluring, captivating. I think as
the word 'feminine' and it's definition were destroyed, so was the species. Feminine does NOT mean weak. In fact, without a doubt, women endure
excrutiating pain very well. And the mysterious part...what is that? We've
killed it. We've believed the lie that we're too much effort, too much work
and so we've done away with our mystery. That's what makes us alluring.
God made us with over 2 hundred bones! He designed us intricately.
Because the world has sold us out to be too much effort..."which you
would know if you understood women at all, but you don't", "don't feel
bad about that Ben, no man does" (How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days), we
have done away with important characteristics that are part of the
original blueprint. Mystery is alluring. Mystery creates intimacy. People
desire to get closer and discover more. Mystery creates excitement. It
means that at your 50th wedding anniversary, your wrinkly old husband
can look at you lovingly, and with surprise exclaim, "I didn't know that
about you." That illustration is not to show that they weren't close or
didn't know eachother. My husband is my best friend and there is no way
he knows everything about me...I'm just learning.
Some women also have a tendency to misuse certain attributes and then everyone grows leary. Mysterious does not translate into 'playing games'.
Men want simple and clear information. They don't want to listen to a
reenactment of the entire situation, they want just the bare bones, so...
if anyone asks you what is wrong, ANSWER them woman! Don't say
"nothing' all pouty like, because it's irritating and tells people that you
are too much work.
Likewise, don't be fake. I hate that. "happy - smile, sad - frown. use the corresponding face with the corresponding emotion."(French Kiss) Say
'yes' when you mean yes, say 'no' when you mean no. We need to be
real if we want anyone, male or female, to take us seriously. We were
created by the Almighty God as women of substance. We don't need to
play games with people. It's NOT cute! Let's try giving God the credit He deserves and stop screwing around with His artwork...He said it was
'very good'. I think, considering it's God, that there's a slight possibility
He could be right. Sarcasm heavy enough for you? I'm fed up.
This is what that sounds like.